Earlier this morning I was looking through the journal I used to keep before I started this blog.
Sometimes I read the words I wrote years ago and can't believe they were written by me. I was struggling so much back then and was thinking so negatively. I didn't like myself at all and was full of guilt. I was completely lost.
Case in point, an excerpt from my journal entry of March 13, 2007; exactly seven years ago to the day:
I cried for about 45 minutes this morning. I know I have no control over what [my son] elects to do about certain things. But it still breaks my heart and makes me feel like a failure as a parent....I am definitely not qualified to be a parent. At least not a good one....Parenting skills must be something I’m severely lacking....My mind is racing. I can’t stop thinking negatively about life, work, family, etc....I’m exhausted. I’m physically exhausted. And mentally exhausted. And I hurt all over. How long am I going to have to feel this way???
When I read that passage--which, ironically, was written on the same day I started therapy in earnest--it makes me realize how much I've grown as a person. It's almost like I've been reborn over the last few years. All of the negative feelings I had are gone now (well, most of them anyway). My outlook on life is so much brighter and I have a tremendous sense of self-worth. Back in 2007, I never thought I could possibly feel this good.
This all goes to show you that change can happen. It may be difficult and messy, require a lot of work, and take some time, but transformation is definitely possible. I am living proof. And I am so grateful to be living the life I am living.
"Awareness is necessary to instigate purposeful change; we must recognize the facts of our situation in order to change them. We acknowledge what is real, take its measure, and act from there." --From the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, by Jeffrey Foote et al.