Kaitlyn Taylor of Orangeburg, New York, was one of the 10 finalists in the My Life as 3D Scholarship Essay Contest. Her essay talks about her big brother Colin's addiction, and how it impacted her. Katilyn attends Dominican College in Orangeburg. I'm happy to share her writing with you.
Overshadowed
By Kaitlyn Taylor
My big brother, Colin, has always been my hero and
my protector. We had a lot to deal with growing up with a verbally abusive
alcoholic father, but Colin was always there for me. When an issue would arise
at home, he always wanted to shelter me from the fighting and yelling because I
was his little sister. Even when I was at school, being a quiet, shy, and
insecure girl, I felt a little safer knowing Colin was in the same building. As we got older, the issues at home
escalated and Colin found himself needing his own escape from the chaos.
When we were in high school he began using marijuana.
The abuse at home became more than Colin could handle and more often than not
would escalate to physical altercations with my father in order protect my mom
and myself. Colin began slipping further into his addiction. Marijuana was
simply not enough anymore and he began searching for an even greater high,
which he found in cocaine. In my eyes he was still my amazing big brother, but I
hated when he was under the influence. When a fight would occur, I would beg
him to stop fighting with my father and it was like a clearing of clouds after
a terrible storm in his eyes. He had a weak spot for me in his heart like I had
one for him.
In a few short years his abusive relationship with
drugs escalated very quickly. He began to steal from our family to support his
habit. He could no longer maintain a job and would often go missing for days at
a time. We would not hear from him during those missing days and always
expected the worst. My mom vented to me, her only escape, and I felt the
pressure of not only wanting and needing to fix my brother, but also to be there
for my mother. It soon became apparent that I was better at handling these
situations than my mother was, so I felt I had to be strong for both of us. I
did not understand why when I begged Colin to stop I no longer saw clarity in
his eyes but rather a frightening emptiness. I remember going to a wake for a
friend’s brother who had passed away from an overdose and seeing my brother in
the casket. My friend said to me, "We knew this was how he was going to die, we
just didn’t know when it would be." Those words still haunt me to this day.
Nobody should have to feel that way, yet I understood what she meant all too
well.
Colin began getting more physical with my father
as his habits continued to get worse. He started adding pills to the mix and it
was not long before he was snorting and injecting heroin. He had moments when I
thought he hit rock bottom and was willing to go to detox and rehab, but this
became a cycle when he felt he had no other options. He always used again and I
began to feel helpless. There were many nights with minimal sleep because I had
to drive him to hospitals to detox, and I began missing work because I had to
drive him to rehab each time he decided to go back after leaving. If I wasn’t driving him, my mom wanted
me to come because she needed the support.
I realized his rock bottom was a lot lower than
most other people's when he began to steal from my grandmother. Around this
time I was away getting my undergraduate degree. When I came home for breaks he
would ask me if I wanted to go visit our grandma, who had severe Alzheimer's at
the time. I was thrilled with this idea and hoped seeing her would give him
some reason to stop using. Once we arrived at her house he would always need to
use the bathroom, and it was not long before I caught him with our grandmother's
jewelry to sell to support his ongoing habit. When I returned home for the
summer, my mother told me my grandma was dying and plans were being made to
bring her home on hospice. My mother also told me that Colin had continued stealing
checks from our dying grandmother’s checkbook and that he had also stolen
$7,000 from me. I wanted nothing more than to break down, but I had to stay
strong for mom who was losing her mother and had to deal with her drug addicted
son and alcoholic husband. The day my grandmother died, I watched Colin sneak
into the refrigerator to steal the morphine provided to my grandmother. I could
not tell my mother and add more to her plate, so I took it upon myself to watch
him.
For years I was conflicted with feelings of anger
and resentment toward my brother but ultimately I loved him. I went through periods of not talking to
him and then forgiving him as he went through his cycle of using and getting
clean. I knew it upset my mother when I would ignore him, so I would suck it up
and forgive him. I told him as
long as he was clean he was forgiven for stealing all of my savings. When Colin
started using heavily, I felt added pressure to be the stable child. I matured
much sooner than most people my age. I could not understand when I would beg my
mom to take action against my brother for stealing from all of us and she would
simply reply with, "I can't he's my son." I could not comprehend this; was I
not also her daughter? Could she not see what this was doing to me? My feelings
and needs were pushed to the side and that hurt the most.
I don't know if it's part of his addiction or that
he’s just a terrible person, but he picks on my mother's insecurities. He tells
her if she kicks him out he will end up dead in a ditch. He calls her fat, and
miserable, then tells her that she is a horrible mother. I have stopped asking
her to force responsibility on him because of how he yells at her and treats
her. I only asked her to because I know how much she does for him and that she
does not deserve to be treated this way. My mother says she is a prisoner in her own home and I feel
the same way. I am stuck at home because I can barely afford school so I definitely
cannot afford my own place. My entire family, including my father who has been
sober for 2 years, has to walk on eggshells around my brother. I do my best to
cheer my mother up when Colin treats her so poorly, but she feels such immense
guilt and responsibility for the person he has become that anything I do or say
hardly makes a difference. Through my attempt to understand addiction, I have
read that a person stops maturing at the age they start using, therefore, my
26-year-old brother is still mentally 19. All he has to do is yell, throw a
fit, and break some things in the house and nobody wants to deal with him. He
knows that we will always love him no matter what, and he takes advantage of
that.
I recently was accepted into a graduate program
for Occupational Therapy and will begin in the fall. For the first time in my
life I feel like I belong and I am doing the right thing. My mother has no
money to help me pay for school and so that burden is on me. I am still trying
so hard to be the responsible one and at this point I work three jobs, go to
school, and pay for my own financial expenses. I am taking everything on as
loans. I would be incredibly appreciative of the scholarship money. I thank you
tremendously for the opportunity to participate but also for the chance to get
some of my frustrations out about my current situation. Siblings of addicts are
often overshadowed and for the first time in a long time I felt that my
feelings mattered. I am very excited to take my first step toward a career
where I can help people, people who truly want and need the help. I have pushed
myself harder than ever to be accepted into this program. I know it will be
difficult, but more importantly I know it will be worth it.
 |
| Kaitlyn Taylor |
