With our younger son off at college, my wife and I are empty-nesters again and we've been cleaning and purging so we don't end up being old people featured on the TV show Hoarders.
Early this morning I was cleaning in the basement and came across a spiral notebook that my older son had used during his attempt at community college a few years back. It was pretty tattered, so I decided to put it in the "recycle" pile. But I decided to flip through it first to see if contained anything of any significance.
Most of the pages were blank. A few pages had some random doodles on them. There were also a couple of pages that had daily schedules written on them from my son's earliest stays in sober living houses.
Some of the pages, though, were oozing with negative emotion and made me cry both tears of sadness--for the past they represented--and tears of gratitude--for where my son is today.
There were four pages that had the words "FUCK MY LIFE" scrawled in giant letters; letters so big they took up all 8-1/2" x 11" of the sheet of paper. But the thing that hit me the hardest--and I mean it hit me like a Mike Tyson uppercut--was a two-page note my son had written.
The note was dated 6/30/11, which was a little more than two months before my wife and I sent our son to Palm Springs for treatment at Michael's House. I will not share the entire letter here because it is much too dark and personal. But I will share this one small excerpt, only to give people an idea of what goes on inside a person's mind when they are suffering from addiction:
"I feel dead inside. It's like nothing can make me feel better, and only drugs can block out all the bullshit, take my mind off of it for any period of time."
Damn.
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
That paints a pretty clear picture of how an addicted person feels inside, doesn't it? They don't want to be addicted. They just want to feel better and block out the negative emotions. They want to clear their mind of the things that make them hurt. And self-medication is the only way they know how to do it.
About 10 weeks after my son wrote that note, my wife and I created a boundary and stuck to it. Our son could either go to rehab or move out of our house. It took a few days, but he chose to go to rehab.
Thank God he did.
When my wife got up today I asked her, "Do you want to see something that will make you feel grateful today?" Then I showed her the note our son had written. She was overcome with emotion just like I was.
I thought about throwing the note away, but part of me said to keep it; not so I can dwell on the past, but to serve as yet another reminder of how far we've come.
My son is 797 days clean and sober today. That's two years, two months, and five days. And I am grateful for every single one of them.
I love my boys with all my heart.
Peace.
"My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone." --Anne Lamott
thank you for sharing your story it gives us all hope god bless you and your family
ReplyDeleteVery powerful stuff.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has been in rehab a month for drugs. She almost died last winter from smoking meth every day for two months. She quit the meth but used everything she could buy or steal. She is having seizures now which I am sure is results of using for 40 years. Once she is able to leave rehab she will be facing possible time in prison for bank fraud. She stole a check from her sister's boyfriend and forged his signature. Will it never end??? She was abused by her father when she was a little girl and molested by her fathers relatives. I was not aware of the sexual abuse until she became an adult. Her father and I divorced when she was 9.
ReplyDelete"It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior." Gabor Mate. And 40%-60% of people are prone to addiction before they ever try their first drug, either because of genetic predispositions or because of just naturally under-performing neurotransmitter systems. Blame under these conditions is senseless.
ReplyDeletemy son began using because he had anger he could not explain. four years of therapy residential treatments and psychiatric we FINALLY learned he had a large mass in his brain! It was not malignant thank God! When it was finally removed we realized the heroin use was malignant... we have a very mixed up, confused 22 year old that did manage to get clean for almost two years ....and then a motorcycle accident this summer broke his spine and the oxycodone hooked him once more to heroin. Maybe someday he will get help. I miss him.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful share. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThats so heart warming to the point, I shedded tears in ur honor, it must b the most tewarding feeling he had FINALLY got his mind on the straight path. Im so happy not only for u & ur wife, but also for ur son, that HE TOOK THE RIGHT PATH. SO A BIG CONGRATS TO U ALL... May GOD keep him safe frm all the negativity out there that can EASILY pull him back to that dark world... My x-hysband is now 49 yrs of age & is STILL in this dark world of torment, I dealt wit it so much, that I HAD TO LEAVE HIM, He had me to the point where I WANTD TO NOT ONLY END MY LIFE FRM THE MISERY HE PUT ME THRU FOR ALONG TIME, BUT I ALSO WANTD TO END THAT HORRIFFIC ROAD HE WAS DRIVING, BUT LIKE MY MOM TOLD ME THAT NO MATTER HOW THIRSTY THAT HORSE IS, U CAN LEAD THEM TO THE WATER, BUT WILL THEY DRINK..... SO I KNW I HAD TO DO SOMETHING FOR 1'S SELF & LET HIM TAKE THIS LONG HORRIBLE RIDE ON HIS OWN CAUSE HE NOLONGER NEEDED MY COMPANY, NOR DID HE DESERVE MY COMPANY. I FIGURED THAT I DIDNT NEED HIS TYPE OF HAPPINESS HE HAD BY HIMSELF, LET ME FIND HAPPINESS FOR 1'S SELF. & BEEN THERE EVER SINCE. @ THIS DATE OF YOUR FINDINGS OF YOUR SONS NOTEBOOK, I WAS SRILL DEALING WIT HIS TORMENT & TORTURE, NOW AS OF THIS DATE 9/8/14 I AM ON MY OWN ...
ReplyDeleteAND IM HAPPY. & HES STILL THE SAME MISERABLE PERSON, ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY FOR HIM TO FIND TGE RECOVERY HE SO NEEDS & DESERVES. SO I MY FRIEND WANNA THANK U FOR SHARING THIS GRADITUTE OF FINDINGS, CAUSE I TRULLY KNOW HOW U FEEL, WHEN YOU FINALLY FIND THAT HAPPY PATH & YPU KERP RIDING IT, YOUR SON YOU & YOUR WIFE SURELY DESERVE IT. MANY BLESSING & GOD BLESS...♥
Thanks so much for sharing that important part of your son's note, Dean. It does make it very clear how people struggling with drugs feel so hopeless and don't feel that they have a way out. So glad to hear that your son is in recovery and doing well. Thank you for all that you are doing to help other parents!!
ReplyDeleteThis is very special, Dean. Man, what a brutal - but necessary - decision your wife and you had to make - rehab or the streets. I don't know that the average Joan/Joe parent out there have any idea as to what that would feel like. But thank God you laid it out. And thank God your son made the wise choice. This world needs more folks who are willing to share painful/joyful personal experiences for the greater good. Thank you for coming forth, Dean...
ReplyDeleteBill