It's always something

I went to bed last night and it was spring. I woke up this morning and it's summer (sunny and 80 degrees at 10:30am). Thankfully the weather is helping to deflect some of the sadness and frustration I'm feeling today.

The sadness and frustration has nothing to do with my older son. He is doing fine, living at his girlfriend's house with her mom and stepfather and best friend. In fact, he just landed a new job as a stock person at a fruit and vegetable market that should get him 40 hours of work a week. That's something he's really excited about.

The sadness and frustration I'm feeling today has to do with my younger son. As some of you know, he suffers from ADHD and depression/anxiety. He's had a lot of trouble in school since about the seventh grade and his first two years at the public high school where we live didn't go very well. Even with an IEP (Individualized Education Program) in place, it was a disaster.

That's why we chose to send him to a special boarding school in northern Michigan this year; a school that specializes in teaching kids with ADHD. Smaller classes, more individualized attention, a beautiful campus, etc.

The first few months of the school year were like a gift from God. Everything was going great, and my son was thriving. He was happy, getting good grades, and fitting in like we never dreamed he could.

But the last couple of months have been a challenge. His depression and anxiety have kicked in and his motivation to get up and get to class and do schoolwork has waned. His grades have gone into a downward spiral and there have been a couple of incidents that forced the school to change his status from "boarder" to "day student." This means he has to commute back and forth from school on a daily basis and does not spend weekends there.

Fortunately for us, my wife's parents live about 40 minutes from the school. So my wife and son have been staying there and my wife has been chauffeuring the kid to and from school. Unfortunately for me, this means that my wife is not at home. The last stint she spent away was almost two weeks, until she and my son came home this past weekend for my dad's memorial service. Then it was back up north on Sunday morning (Mother's Day, no less). In all likelihood, she'll remain up north until the end of the school year, which is June 7th.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for doing anything to help get our son back on track in school. But the sadness and frustration I'm feeling is because the day student plan doesn't seem to be working. Our son is still depressed and anxious, and he's still way behind in his schoolwork. It's one of those situations where he's not motivated to do work because he's so far behind; but being so far behind makes him even more anxious and less motivated. So he falls even further behind.

If the situation doesn't improve, I fear that the school won't allow him to come back next year...which would be devastating. If he can't go back to that school, I have no idea where we would send him. I looked into the possibility of him going to another school we had checked out a couple of years ago, but they don't take seniors because it doesn't give them enough time to set up an individualized learning program for the student.

Although I fight it internally, I understand the current school's position. They specialize in teaching kids with ADHD, but they're not really equipped to deal with the severe depression and anxiety that our son suffers from; especially when it rears its ugly head in full force.

My wife and son are doing everything they can to try and combat this. Meeting with a therapist, adjusting medications, etc. Our son has started--on his own--eating better and working out daily. I think those things will get him feeling better about himself. I just don't know if it'll be in time for him to get his motivation back to do his schoolwork. I'm praying that it will be. I think we need another "God moment" in our lives.

It's tough being the parent of two boys with mental health issues. You do everything you can for them, but sometimes even that's not enough. My younger son is such a great kid, chock full of intelligence and goodness. But the depression and ADHD wrap themselves around his brain and keep the good stuff from getting out. Yes, mental illness sucks. Unfortunately, it's in my kids' genes and we just have to deal with it one day at a time.

There's another thing that's adding to my sadness and frustration, too. Because the school my son is attending is so expensive, I started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to help offset the cost of tuition for next year. I started this whole thing before the troubles began, not really thinking it would raise much money. But friends and complete strangers have been incredibly generous and have contributed more than $8,000.00 to date. Which is great. Unless my son can't go back to the school next year. If that happens, I will definitely refund all the money people donated. But I will be out the fees that GoFundMe takes out of each donation. That would just be a kick in the gut. Not to mention embarrassing as hell.

I wish--for the umpteenth time--that I had a magic wand I could wave over my kids' heads to make their depression, anxiety, and addiction issues go away. But I don't. So I will continue to live in the moment and pray for both my boys. God might get sick of hearing from me, but I'll keep on pestering him several times a day.

And special thanks to one of my dearest Facebook friends--you know who you are--who posted this quote on my page this morning:

"Everything will be alright in the end. If it isn't alright, then it isn't the end."

That about sums it up.

Peace.

You did good, Dad

It's been a little over three months since my dad passed away. As you may have read before in my blog, my dad and I did not have a very good relationship for many, many years. I harbored much resentment--and even hatred--towards him because of his alcoholism. I grew up feeling like I didn't have a dad. And that hurt me for a long time. Decades, in fact.

Thankfully, last summer I was able to let go of the resentment and hatred. It all left my body one August afternoon in what my wife perfectly described as a "God moment." Something I never thought would happen did indeed happen. I forgave my father for his past misdeeds and learned to love him again.

I got about six months of uncontested love out of my dad. Even though his health was deteriorating and he sometimes suffered from dementia, I still appreciated being able to see and talk to him without that heavy weight on my shoulders. A weight I was tired of carrying around but never thought I could get rid of. Like I said in one of the most emotional blog posts I've ever written...Better late than never.

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. I find myself wanting to call him and ask him or tell him things. When the Detroit Tigers are playing on TV and a player does something great, I fully expect the phone to ring because my dad would frequently call me to say, "Did you see that?!"

When the Masters golf tournament was on TV last month, I thought of my dad constantly. He loved to watch the big golf tournaments on television. (Back in the early '90s, in an effort to "reach out" to my dad, I took him on a one-day trip to Augusta, Georgia, to watch a Masters practice round. It's something I'm really glad I did.)

Sometimes I think about my dad and just start crying. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I have a feeling that deep down inside I regret not having that "God moment" much earlier. But, hey...at least it happened. And because it happened I was able to love my dad again for six months. That may not sound like a lot, but for years and years I worried about how I would feel if I didn't find that love again before my dad passed away. I was worried that I'd live the rest of my life full of regret and constantly wondering "What if?" But I was spared that burden. And for that I am eternally grateful.

As my dad grew older and planned for his death, he decided he wanted to donate his body to the Wayne State University School of Medicine's Body Bequest Program. "Voluntary bequest of the human body is a way in which to make a direct and important contribution to medical teaching and research," it says on the Body Bequest Program's website. So my dad's body will help medical students learn about anatomy, one of the most important courses in the education of a physician. Future doctors will become doctors because they studied and learned from my dad's body. What a wonderful thought.

Over the years, my dad did some awful things. A lot of those things will be forever etched in my memory. But you know what else will be etched in my memory? The fact that my dad's last act was the incredibly selfless act of donating his body to a local university's medical school. I think that qualifies as going out on a positive note and it makes me very proud of my dad.

This Friday afternoon, Wayne State University is holding its memorial service for all the people who recently donated their bodies to its medical school. It's an hour-long service, followed by a symbolic burial. All family members and friends are invited and from what I hear it's a beautiful event. I am really looking forward to attending this memorial with my family. My sister from New York is coming. My younger son is coming home from school to attend, too. We will all pay our respects to my father and celebrate the wonderful deed he did to help others.

You did good, dad. You did good.

The last photo ever taken of my dad. December 20, 2012.

10

Congratulations to my son, who celebrates 10 months of sobriety today.

Proud doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never failing, but in rising again after you fall." --Vince Lombardi

Urban Outfitters: WTF??

When I found out about this earlier today I was stunned. And if I didn't know my source better, I might've even thought it was a gag. But The Partnership at Drugfree.org would never joke about something like this.

Urban Outfitters, the national retail store that caters to and is beloved by teenagers, is now selling a line of products that look like prescription drug bottles, syringes, medicine bottles, and actual prescriptions. These products make light of prescription drug misuse and abuse, as well as alcohol abuse and alcoholism.

I'm not sure who decided these products were a good idea, but do you want your teen--or any other teen for that matter--walking into Urban Outfitters and having these kinds of products pitched to them?

I went to the Urban Outfitters website and did a quick search for some of these items. I came up with six items that just blew my mind:

*A set of three shot glasses designed to look like prescription medication bottles.

*A can cooler designed to look like a prescription medication bottle.

*A set of four "prescription coasters," straight from Dr. Al Koholic.

*A set of three "syringe shot shooters."

*A "Boozemin" flask, designed to look like a bottle of medicine that's "RX Only" and prescribed by Dr. Al Koholic.

*An "RX" pint glass.

As the father of a recovering heroin addict--who at one time abused prescription drugs as well--I am sickened by these products. The decision by Urban Outfitters to sell these things is irresponsible and reckless.

According to The Partnership at Drugfree.org:

Prescription drug misuse and abuse [is] a dangerous behavior that is responsible for more deaths in the United States each year than heroin and cocaine combined. Medicine abuse has increased 33 percent over the past five years with one in four teens having misused or abused a prescription drug in their lifetime. Combined with alcohol, the misuse and abuse of prescription medications can be especially dangerous, making the Urban Outfitter RX pint and shot glasses and flasks even more disturbing.

As recent research from The Partnership at Drugfree.org shows, teens and parents alike do not understand the health risks associated with the misuse and abuse of prescription drugs. In fact, more than a quarter of teens mistakenly believe that misusing and abusing prescription drugs is safer than using street drugs.

Tongue-in-cheek products that normalize and promote prescription drug abuse only serve to reinforce the misperception about the dangers associated with abusing medicine and put more teens at risk.

I urge you to take action and ask Urban Outfitters to remove these products from their stores and their website.

You can e-mail the CEO and chairman of Urban Outfitters, Richard A. Hayne:

richard.hayne@urbanout.com

You can send a letter to the company:

Urban Outfitters Inc.
5000 South Broad St.
Philadelphia, PA 19112-1495

You can reach out to the company via their Twitter account:

https://twitter.com/UrbanOutfitters (@UrbanOutfitters)

Or send them a message through their Facebook page:

www.facebook.com/urbanoutfitters

You can e-mail Oona McCullough, their Director of Investor Relations:

oona.mccullough@urbanout.com

Or why not go all out and contact each and every one of their Executive Officers and Board of Directors? All of their e-mail addresses are listed at this link:

http://www.urbn.com/profile/contact_officers.html

The method you choose doesn't matter. What does matter is that you take some action. There is power in numbers. Let Urban Outfitters know that you want these products gone. And tell your friends and family members to do the same.

There is also a Causes.com petition you can sign at this link:

http://www.causes.com/actions/1749784-stop-urban-outfitters-from-selling-products-that-promote-prescription-drug-abuse

Finally, you can "Like" this Facebook page I created:

Stop Urban Outfitters from Promoting RX Drug Abuse & Alcoholism

Thanks in advance.

P.S. As much as I hate to call further attention to these products, I wanted to post photos of them so you could see how ridiculous and irresponsible they are. These photos are directly from the Urban Outfitters website.

P.P.S. The same company that owns Urban Outfitters also owns Anthropologie and Free People. I would suggest a boycott of all three stores until Urban Outfitters pulls this disgusting merchandise from their stores and website.

"Forever and ever...no matter what."

When you have a child, there's no guarantee that comes out of the womb with them. Certainly no guarantee that your offspring will be a perfect child. After all, nobody's perfect, right? As long as your baby comes out breathing, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, you're thrilled to death. You have no way to predict the future, so you live in that moment; that incredible, amazing, unforgettable moment.

As your child gets older, they achieve milestones that give you a better idea of how they're developing. Your child rolls over for the first time: check. Your child starts mumbling words in a language you can almost understand: check. Your child takes their first steps: check. And so on, and so on, and so on.

It's not until later in their life that other things may show up. Things like learning disabilities, mental illness, addiction. Or even a combination of those things. Obviously, any of those things are not things you would have requested if you had had the opportunity to place an order for the "perfect" child. And you certainly wouldn't have chosen the "combo platter."

But you know what? We don't order our children off a menu. We don't get to say "yea" or "nay" to certain attributes. It's a roll of the dice, and--for the most part--God determines what attributes our children will have. Our job as parents is to raise our children in spite of any imperfections they may have. That's what parenting is all about.

Some people, for whatever reasons, have children who will have hardly any problems growing up. Sometimes the biggest problem the parents of these children have is deciding which Ivy League school to send them to. Or helping them decide between medical school or law school.

Other people, though, have children who are a bit more challenging. But these parents aren't any lesser parents than those with the "normal" kids. It's just that God has given them a slightly more complicated task. This is the group my wife and I fall into.

I have no idea why my boys have had the issues they've had. Depression, anxiety, addiction, ADHD...they are all influenced by genetics, at least to some degree. So there's that. But maybe God just gave us these wonderful boys and their little flaws because he knew my wife and I would have the strength and courage and patience and perseverance to guide them on their journey. A journey that would certainly be a little bumpier than most.

If you would've asked me 23 years ago if I thought I could make it through what I've been through so far as a parent, I would've said, "Hell no!" and ran away screaming. Yet, here I am. It's cliche, for sure, but they say God doesn't give you anything more than you can handle. Maybe that's the truth. Maybe that's why my wife and I were chosen to parent these amazing boys.

As I write this blog post, one of my boys is just days away from being 10 months clean and sober. He's upstairs, sleeping in his old bed, in his old room. He spent last night here because he has to work today and the only time he could get a ride from his girlfriend's house to this side of town was last night. He's actually thinking ahead about these things and it's all good.

At the same time, my other boy is up north and is struggling a bit. My wife is up there with him, being the incredible mother that she is and doing everything she can to help him get through some issues.

In the grand scheme of things, despite what my wife have been through with our sons we've had it pretty easy. Our boys are not severely handicapped; they do not have a terminal illness; they are bright, intelligent kids who just need to deal with some things other kids don't have to deal with. Most importantly, though, they are alive and working their way through life, even if it's a bit of a struggle. Not every parent can say that about their kids. So I consider ourselves lucky.

Living in the moment is really the only way to deal with the issues my wife and I have had to deal with as parents. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult. Yesterday I had several crying episodes and struggled to get through a hectic work day. Sadly, there is no magic "PAUSE" button in life. You can't just push a button, wait until your problems are resolved or until you feel better, and then push the button again and resume your normal day-to-day activities. You just keep going, a day at a time. Or an hour at a time. Sometimes even a minute at a time.

Somewhere in all of this I have this crazy theory that maybe all of the difficulties my boys have had to go through early on in their lives will make them stronger later in life. Both of my boys are definitely late bloomers. I hope that someday they will both bloom like indescribably beautiful and fragrant roses on the most gorgeous of summer days. And that my wife and I are there to see and smell those beautiful flowers.

I love my boys more than life itself. Unconditionally. Like my younger son likes to say, "Forever and ever...no matter what."

"I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child." --Anne Lamott

Two nights

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my son moved into his girlfriend's parents' house the other day.

On Sunday I went to the sober living house with him and helped him pack up his possessions. (Observation: He sure accumulated a lot of stuff over the 10 months he was there!) We then brought his things to our house and sorted out what was going with him and what would be stored at our house. Then my wife took him out to his new temporary home.

Everyone felt good about the whole situation. The two best parts of the day? 1.) The sober living house owner wasn't around when we were there, so there wasn't any kind of confrontation or lecture from him. And 2.) On the drive back from the sober living house my son thanked me for helping him (always nice to hear unsolicited thank-yous!).

Then later Sunday night, my wife got a text from our son. He asked if he could possibly stay at our house on Monday and Tuesday nights. When my wife told me this, I immediately thought, "WTF?" She explained that the reasoning behind the question was this: Our son was scheduled to work 3:00pm to 8:00pm on Tuesday and Wednesday, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to get a ride to work. Given that the store he works at is less than a mile from our house, staying with us would be much more convenient.

I have to admit that the question came as a big shock to me. Just days earlier my wife and I had agonized over a decision and agreed not to let our son come back home. Now he was asking to come and stay with us. Sure, it would only be for two nights...but still.

After discussing it for a while, my wife and I actually made the crazy decision to say yes. (I know. Probably not what you expected.)

I won't go into too much detail, but we couldn't be happier with the choice we made. For the two nights and two days he was here, our son was a different person than we were used to having around. He was calm, pleasant, helpful, and had conversations with us. Hell, he even sat and watched TV with us! And both nights he was here, he went to bed at a normal time. Even more amazing? He got up by 10:00am both days. Back in the day, he would've been up 'til 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and slept until 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening. He has definitely changed. And matured.

When he got off work last night and came by to get his stuff so he could go back to his girlfriend's house, I actually felt a little sad. It was really great having our son back in the house for two nights. About 20 minutes after he left, I turned to my wife and actually said, "I miss him."

I still think the decision we made to not let our son move back into our house was the right one. But I will say that I remain open to having him stay here on occasion if he needs to. It was a joy to have him around, even if it was just for a couple of nights/days. The growth we saw was amazing.

Two nights: Not much time in the grand scheme of things, but enough time to see that our son appears to be on the right path. Here's hoping it continues.

P.S. For a while now I've been thinking about having my lovely wife do a guest blog post. She is such a wonderful human being and, without a doubt, my "rock." Honestly, I don't know where I would be today without her in my life. If you all would like to see a guest blog from this incredible lady, let me know by leaving a comment. It might help me convince her to do it!

These words spoke to me

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you know that I very frequently post quotes that resonate with me.

I don't often post those quotes here, but I read something this morning that really made me think. I'm not sure why, but these words truly spoke to me. So I decided to share them: 

"How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be." --Elizabeth Lesser (from her book Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow)