Sunday, February 6, 2011

A harsh realization

We had a huge blow-up in our house last night. It was brought on by a combination of things: the stress of my older son sleeping until almost 6:00pm.; the stress of having to do the chores that others should have done had they been awake during the daylight hours; my younger son suggesting at the dinner table that we're "poor"; coming to the realization that we're at a crossroads with my older son, and that a tough decision will soon have to be made; and the stress of my job, which I've really grown to hate, and which eats at me pretty much 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Regardless of what the causes were, it was an ugly argument involving the whole family, and a lot of horrible things were said in the heat of the battle. Most of those things were said by me, and I truly regret saying them. Unfortunately, this sort of thing has happened too frequently in recent years, and it always seems to be me who is saying the hurtful things. I'm not sure why I do it, and I never mean to do it. But it inevitably happens. And it shouldn't.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm neither a good father nor a good husband. At least right now I'm not. A good father and husband doesn't say hurtful things to his kids and wife, no matter how angry or upset they are. I'm just not a very good person right now and I need to change before it's too late. I'm thinking an anger management class of some sort is in order. I think I'll start looking for one.


  1. Not true. I have a good, hardworking father, which seems to me like you are too - but there were plenty of horribly hurtful things that came out of his mouth this past year. for about 2 years now I have been struggling with anorexia. Things are going great now, but at the time home life was a hellhole. it's just something about a parent with a child who is harming themselves. The child has little control over the problem, and even worse, you have less. That seems to be the primary stresser for parents of kids who struggle with mental disorders. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I can see that things are hard for you right now. And, by the way, don't worry about what your younger son says. During some of the best years of my life, I said to my mom, "We're not a happy family." Who knows why I said that? I just blurted it out. I think there are a lot of things I (and surely my parents) can relate to on your blog. Please check out mine if you get a chance:

  2. don't be too hard on yourself, you're only human. maybe you've bottled things up too much. it seems sometimes instead of dealing with something you're putting off the inevitable. work, shmerk. none of us truly like it there. but at least we all have each other.

  3. Hmmm, sounds to me like you're human. Forgive yourself and start a fresh day. I don't think a husband/father that was "not good" would consider an anger management class. I hope things get better. Its a challenging time.

  4. It's not thar you are a bad father, husband or even person, you just have had bad times and some issues. You are human before being a father and a husband so reactions like those are understandable. You just need to work on your patience and put yourself in your family's shoes and try to understand them