Yesterday, during another phase of basement cleaning--my wife and I are doing our best to downsize and purge--I found another spiral notebook. This one included a list of "10 Negative Consequences" of my son's addiction. It was mesmerizing to read my son's list, which must have been a homework assignment from his therapist. There was also a list of pros and cons about going to rehab in California. (I sure am glad the pros eventually won out.)
The rest of the notebook was mostly filled with song lyrics. My son was/is an aspiring musician, and back when he was using drugs his music was an escape for him; his only "friend," really. Of all the lyrics in the notebook, these four lines had the most impact on me:
"Untreatable disease
Do with me as you please
Slam me up against the wall
And break me at the knees"
Yet another glimpse at my son's innermost thoughts during his addiction. He obviously felt that addiction had a firm grip on him, and was expressing his vulnerability.
Again, I post my son's words here only to help explain what types of things people suffering from addiction think and feel. People don't want to be addicted. But if their brain is wired differently and they're predisposed to the disease, they can find themselves someplace they never wanted to be. And escaping that dark place can be the biggest fight of their life.
Peace.
"I felt guilty and ashamed for stealing from the ones closet to me just to get high. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway because all that mattered to me at the time was getting loaded." --My Son, from his list of "10 Negative Consequences" of his addiction
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