Belated love is still...love

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you may recall my post from August 2nd of this year called "Better late than never." It's the one where I provided details about my having grown up the child of an alcoholic father. And how I felt like part of my childhood was stolen from me because of my dad's alcoholism. It's also the post where I declared to the world that the 40-plus years of resentment and hatred I felt towards my dad suddenly vanished in a sort of "God moment."

Getting over those feelings was huge for me. As I stated in that post, I never thought it would happen. But it did. And almost three months later, I am still at peace with myself. The anger I carried around for so long doesn't live inside me anymore. In fact--and this is hard for me to admit--love is starting to replace it.

My dad is still having health issues. My mother is doing her best to care for him, but it's getting more and more difficult for her. In fact, about 10 days ago I got an early morning call from my mom telling me that my dad had fallen in his bedroom and couldn't get up. At age 81, my mom couldn't possibly lift my dad up. So I got in my car and rushed over to their apartment to help. (Luckily I live in the same city, only about a mile away.)

When I got to the apartment, I lifted my dad back up to his feet and helped him get into his living room chair. He was very grateful and thanked me over and over again. He also said he didn't know what he'd do without me. And there were a few "I love you"s, too.

I got a strange feeling when I heard my dad tell me he loved me that day. I felt very different than I had any other time I'd heard him say, "I love you." It was like he actually meant it. And I felt that. I hugged my dad, gave him a kiss, and said, "I love you, too." That felt different, too. Because in my heart I felt like I actually meant it.

Flash forward to this past Saturday at 6:00am. My wife and I were both sleeping when the phone ringing startled us and woke us up. I immediately uttered the words, "This can't be good"--which, by the way, is a very common thought for the parent of an addict whenever the phone rings at a strange hour. Fortunately, this call had nothing to do with my son. But unfortunately, it was my mom calling to tell me she needed my help again. My dad had fallen again, this time in the bathroom. My wife and I both got up and got dressed, and we raced over to my parents' place.

When we got there, I jumped out of the car to go help while my wife proceeded to find a parking spot. I arrived to find my dad lying on the bathroom floor, asleep. After waking him up, I lifted him back to his feet, waited for him to wash up and put a robe on, and helped him into his chair.

Once again, my dad was incredibly appreciative. He was almost in tears while he was thanking me and telling me he knows he can always count on me and my wife. And, of course, he told me he loved me again. And I felt it again. And I said, "I love you" to him again. And this time I knew I meant it. Forty-something years later and the love between a son and his father was being reborn.

During the day that day, I cooked up a wonderful chicken and sweet potato dish and my wife and I took the food over to my parents' that evening and ate dinner with them. When I walked in the door, my dad looked at me and said, "My savior!" He and my mom really enjoyed the food; and the company. When my wife and I left I gave my dad a big hug and told him I loved him. Because I think I really do.

Watching my dad get old is incredibly difficult for me. I fear getting old myself, so seeing him struggle and lose his independence is tough. But it would've been even tougher if I hadn't let go of the past. I'm so very thankful I was able to move on.

While driving home that night, I told my wife how much I enjoyed hearing my dad say positive things about me. And how much I liked hearing him say, "I love you."

"I feel like it's real now," I told her. Because I think it is.

I love you, dad.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." --Anne Lamott

"We are heroes to each other"

I shared my story with the wonderful website Heroes in Recovery. Today it went live. You can read it at the link below.

Maybe my story can help some other parents of addicts get through their tough times. Or help break the stigma. Or make a difference in some other way. In any case, I was happy to share.

Like the website says on its home page:

"We all need hope. We all need inspiration. Know that you are not alone, not the only one who experiences a loss, hurt and heartache. We are heroes to each other. Be inspired. Be encouraged."

Here is my story...

http://www.heroesinrecovery.com/stories/dean-d-s-story/

Thank you, Heroes in Recovery!

Got this great t-shirt in the mail today from the Heroes in Recovery people. I will wear it proudly.

BREAK THE STIGMA

Damn straight.

90 days

My son is 90 days clean and sober today. I love him so much and am so very proud of him.

One day at a time...

Things are very good

Just dropping in to say that things are very good right now. My son is still clean and sober. I think it's 79 days today. He's got a girlfriend now, too, which is something he's been longing for. She's also clean and sober. We haven't met her yet, but our son seems very happy. So that's a wonderful thing. My wife and I look forward to meeting the young lady soon.

Other than that, there's not much to report. My wife and I are just going about our business as empty nesters. Last weekend, we spent most of our time helping my parents move from their upper flat into a smaller first-floor apartment. This weekend, we just plan on taking it easy.

Last but not least, our younger son is doing well--and having fun--at boarding school. In two weeks we get to go up for Parents Weekend and bring him home for a week-long break. We can't wait to see him. I'm sure he's going to seem like a different kid after being off "on his own" for more than a month. We shall see.

To everyone who reads this blog: Thanks again for your continued support. If I (or my wife) can ever be of any help to you or someone you know, get in touch with me through the Comments section. Addiction is everywhere and is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone.

Peace.

Ignorance

The other night, my wife and I rode our bikes to our city's downtown area so we could have a dinner out. We're pretty much "empty nesters" now since our older son is in a sober house and our younger son is off at an amazing boarding school. So going out for dinner spontaneously is kind of a new thing for us.

While we were in the restaurant eating our meal, there was a young family sitting in a booth two away from ours. The husband and wife looked to be in their early 40s, and their two sons were maybe 9 and 11 or so. The husband had been having a negative, "humorous" conversation with the waitress about the city of Detroit, which is very close to our city. (The Detroit border is actually at the end of the block we live on, which is only about 10 houses away.)

I didn't think much of the conversation that was going on until the guy got up to go pay his bill and continued to joke with his waitress. "Yeah, that's where I go to get my heroin. Didn't you know that? I walk over there to get my fix. I pick up a couple of bags and I'm all set."

At that point, I was just shaking my head on the inside. Part of me wanted to say to the man, "You know, I'm the father of a recovering heroin addict and I find your conversation offensive." But I didn't. I just figured the guy was totally ignorant and really had no clue that what he just said offended someone in the restaurant. I mean, how could he have possibly known that he was just a few feet away from a dad whose son used to pretty much exactly what he was joking about? So I just let it go.

For the last few years I've felt pretty much the same way about people who jokingly refer to people as "crackheads." You know: someone does something stupid or crazy and someone else says, "What a crackhead!" I find that offensive, too, but I just let it roll off my back. Crackhead is just another word that people use without realizing that it may offend someone. In my mind, it's in the same league as "gay" or "retarded," two other words people often use in a derogatory, "joking" manner.

It's just ignorance. That what I keep telling myself. But that doesn't mean that ignorant people can't get my blood boiling a wee bit every once in a while.

4 years sober

It was 1,461 days ago that a family therapist at my son's second rehab facility--Brighton Center for Recovery--told me: "Be the change you want to see in your son." And 1,461 days ago, I quit drinking; not only to set an example for my son--and his little brother--but because I knew I had to, before things spiraled out of control for me, too.

I am the son of an alcoholic. And the father of an addict. But today I am 4 years sober, and incredibly grateful that I was given the power to change.

Sobriety? It's badass.