Thanksgiving 2020: Damn, This Is Weird

COVID-19 sucks. 2020 sucks. And for a lot of people, Thanksgiving 2020 might suck. But not for me. Don't get me wrong--this Thanksgiving is gonna be weird with a capital W, because I won't be able to see any of my immediate family. My 89-year-old mom. My youngest sister. My oldest sister. My brother. My two sons. I won't see any of them on my favorite holiday because of this stupid coronavirus. And it's super weird.

My wife and I will, however, be having Thanksgiving dinner with our next door neighbors. That might sound crazy, but our next door neighbors are like extended family. Kathy and I are old enough to be their parents (I think), but we have been incredible friends since they moved in several years ago. Not only that, their two boys--ages one-and-half-ish and going on four--are like our surrogate grandchildren. We babysit them all the time and love them with all our heart.The reason we're having dinner with our neighbors is because they are in our "pod." We've stayed in contact with them pretty much since this COVID bullshit started, and we're all very careful not to have much contact with others. Plus, we're pretty much family. 

So we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with people not related to us, but it will still be fun. I hope you have a fun Thanksgiving, too, no matter who you're celebrating with.

Now, onto the purpose of this post: a gratitude list! 

It's funny: I used to post on this blog pretty often. But since I found a job I truly love, I've been busy. In fact, the last post I made to this blog was last Thanksgiving. And it was a gratitude list. Maybe I'll just come back here once a year to list a bunch of things I'm grateful for. Who knows? In any case, here's my stream of consciousness gratitude list for 2020. There may be overlaps from last year, but so be it. 

Some Things I Am Grateful For

Katinka (a.k.a. my lovely wife Kathy; always at the very top of my gratitude list)
My job with Families Against Narcotics (FAN) and all the amazing people I work with
My 89-year-old mom
My two sons, Sam and Josh
15 months of sobriety for Sam
My new-to-me 2006 Pontiac Solstice

My amazing next door neighbors and their adorable boys
Great neighbors all around me

Law & Order reruns

People who believe in me

Opportunity

My ceramic, light-up Penobscot Building

Friendships

Dr. Gabe at Platz Animal Hospital

Ronnie's Meats

A nice home to live in

My new front porch and railing

Music and the people who make it
Mickey, our 15-year old sweetheart of a cat
Anne Lamott
The Anne Lamott Quotes Twitter feed
Jason and the Clear Minds sober living house
Good health
32 years of marriage
A sense of humor

Kathleen Edwards
Pizza (always!)
Clean water to drink
My grandma's soup recipe
My father-in-law
Kindness

Zoloft

My electrophysiologist

The ability to help others
The Leelanau School

My brothers- and sisters-in-law

The New York Times crossword and Spelling Bee puzzles

Spotify

Facebook Marketplace

Jim Bryson

Apple products

Julia Kristina MA Psych
Peace and quiet

Love

Birds
Freshly baked bread with butter

Reasonably good cooking skills

Memories of my dad

Memories of my grandparents

Democracy
Author Matt Haig

Hope (always)
Retro-Taku Videogames

Good health insurance

Matthew Ryan

Dreams

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who reads this. I hope you're able to enjoy the day, even if you can't be with the people who matter to you most. And if you've lost people who matter to you, I hope they live on for you in the memories you have of them.

Peace, love, and good food. And please wear a mask.

What are you grateful for today?

-Dean

Late-Night/Early-Morning Gratitude

I'm not sure exactly what time it was--I'm guessing maybe 1:00 or 2:00am--when I got up to pee in the middle of the night last night. (Something us middle-aged men do a lot of. Also, should I be concerned that this is my second blog post in a row that talks about urine?)

While I was in the bathroom, I heard a loud voice coming in from the slightly open window. My first thought was that my younger son and a couple of friends he had over were being loud in the family room, but I wanted to be sure before I went downstairs to tell them to lower the volume a notch.

So I opened the window a little more and listened.

What I heard wasn't the voice of a 20-something male. Instead it was a 30-something female neighbor who lives in a house on the street behind us. She was obviously out on her deck, on her cell phone, having a frantic conversation with someone.

I didn't listen long, but I didn't have to in order to understand what was bothering this woman so much: She found out her husband is having an affair.

She told the person on the other end of the conversation that she discovered some incriminating texts on her husband's phone. And that her husband's office smelled like...well, let's just say "sex." She also wondered why her husband would "want it" from someone so unattractive, saying "I wouldn't mind so much if she was hot."

I only listened to this conversation for about 30 seconds, but that was probably too long. And I probably shouldn't be writing about it either. But I can't help it. Because hearing this conversation--which was, by the way, loud and clear despite the fact that there are hundreds of feet between my upstairs bathroom window and this woman's deck--made me feel two things.

1.) I felt incredibly bad for the woman. She just had a baby a few months ago and now her world is shattering around her. I can't imagine how that must feel. I even told my wife today that we should ask the woman over for dinner. But we don't know her, so such an invitation coming from out of the blue would likely be pretty suspicious.

2.) When I finished peeing, I couldn't help but go back to bed feeling overwhelmingly grateful. Grateful that I have an amazing wife, and that our marriage--which is almost 28 years young now--is rock solid. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else; and I'm pretty sure my wife feels the same way.

Life is a challenge, for sure. My wife and I have encountered a whole lot of difficult situations that we never expected. But we've navigated our way through them the best way we know how. As a result, our relationship has grown stronger. And I'm forever grateful for that.

Like my friend Matthew Ryan likes to say, "Teamwork makes the dream work." And marriage is the ultimate team game.

I'm keeping the neighbor behind me in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope she can find some peace in her world sooner rather than later. No one should ever have to feel what she was feeling late last night/early this morning.

"A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal." --Anne Lamott

Me with my (way) better half.

Crying on the Way Home from Costco

It's been just over a week since I announced some changes to this blog. In a nutshell, I've taken the focus off of my son and will be blogging more about addiction, recovery, mental health, and just life in general. So if you don't abandon this blog entirely, you'll likely end up reading about some of the things I'm passionate about, like cooking, music, or helping others. Or you might get stuck reading about things that happen to me in my everyday life. Like this post about something that happened earlier today.

This morning I decided to go to Costco to pick up a beef brisket flat to smoke sometime over the next few days. My wife and I are having an event at our house on October 7th and I've committed to smoking brisket for the occasion. Since I've only smoked brisket a handful of times since I bought a smoker a couple of years ago, I decided I'd do a practice run. It can't hurt, right? As I told my wife, "I want to do a test run before the actual cook," which sounded very Walter White-ish.

Off to Costco I went, which is always an adventure and a challenge. Trying to get out of that store without spending your entire checking account should be an Olympic event. Could that advertising tagline I see Costco using on Facebook be any more spot-on?

"Go for what you need, leave with what you love."

Right???!!!

Despite my best intentions of going to Costco and only buying a beef brisket, I did end up leaving with more than I came for. But not that much more. The only additional items I caved to were a 4-pack box of organic Triscuits (on sale!) and two pairs of Levi's (one for me and one for my wife). I consider that pretty damn good for a Costco run.

On the drive home from Costco I was feeling fine. The sun was shining and I had Matthew Ryan's May Day album blasting on the stereo. I even gave the "homeless" person at the top of the freeway exit ramp a dollar, which I never do. (I use quotation marks around homeless because I don't think the guy is actually homeless; I think panhandling might just be his job. But I could be wrong.)

But as I started traversing the surface streets on the last leg of my ride home, something unexpected happened: I started crying. And this wasn't just an I-feel-sad-so-I'm-gonna-get-a-little-teary-eyed kind of cry. It was a full-on tears-running-down-both-of-my-cheeks-while-I-bawl-like-a-baby cry.

I started crying, out of the blue.

Now I'll be the first one to admit that I cry on a pretty regular basis. Not every other day or anything like that, but at least a few times a month. I find absolutely nothing wrong with crying, or with a man crying (God forbid!). Like Anne Lamott writes, "I cry intermittently, like a summer rain. I don't feel racked by the crying; in fact, it hydrates me."

Crying helps me. It always has. I consider crying to be my body's way of cleansing itself of an overload of emotions. Most of the time those emotions are negative, but I've cried a lot of happy tears, too. Regardless of what I'm feeling, if I'm feeling too much of it, crying always helps. So much so that back when I had an actual job and I was going through some tough times at home, I would book a conference room on occasion just so I could go sit and cry in private. (You've gotta do what you've gotta do.)

There was no particular reason why I started crying on the way home from Costco. I think it was just an accumulation of some very emotional stuff that's been going on in my life for the last few weeks. I was feeling too much, and my body decided it would open the relief valve and let the excess emotion out.

My cry only lasted a minute or two, but damn--it made me feel rejuvenated.

My penchant for crying might be strange for a 54-year-old man. I don't really know, and I don't really care. I'm an emotional person, and I'd rather "cry it out" than keep everything bottled up inside. Lord knows that's not healthy. I also kind of wonder where I picked up my crying gene (is that a thing?), because I never saw my dad cry. Never ever. I can't even imagine my dad crying. That just wouldn't have been manly. Come to think of it, I don't think I witnessed any grown man cry until I was in my mid-20s and saw my mom's father cry when his wife died.

My grandfather was overwhelmed with emotion. He felt too much and he cried to let it out. I'm so glad I got to see that, because it taught me something about life:

There's nothing wrong with crying. No matter who you are.

"Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots." --Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love