How my favorite author got sober

Anne Lamott is my favorite author. Her words are so inspirational and healing for me. In this video she talks about how she got sober and the spiritual path she's taken since becoming sober. Good stuff.

"I got to the point where I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards." --Anne Lamott

Who's counting?

I've been meaning to post here for the last several days, but I've been incredibly busy at work and with stuff around the house. Now I'm off work for five days--a sort of mini Memorial Day weekend "staycation"--so I figured I'd update everyone on how things have been going.

First off: My son is 62 days clean today. How do I know this? Not because I'm focusing on counting his clean time, but because he is focusing on counting his clean time. This is very different for him. During his previous streaks of sobriety, he wasn't always sure how long he'd been clean. If you asked him, he'd give an answer like, "I think it's about 34 days." Or, "I'm not really sure." But now he is totally aware of his status. I think that means he's "locked in"--at least for now.

Now, regular readers of this blog are probably wondering how I know what my son's up to, because in an earlier post I told you that we were cutting off all contact from him for six months, on the advice of his sponsor. That plan changed a bit for a couple of different reasons.

The main reason for the change is that 10 days ago my son had an issue with his heart. He texted my wife that he was having occasional irregular, rapid heartbeats and he was very concerned about it. He also told her that a doctor he saw in Palm Springs mentioned something about this problem several months ago.

While I suppose my wife and I could've let our son take care of this heart issue on his own--call a doctor, schedule an appointment, find a ride to the appointment, etc.--we decided to step in and help out. Because I myself suffer from atrial fibrillation, which can be hereditary, my wife and I decided it would be best to skip going to a regular doctor and take my son straight to a cardiologist. My cardiologist.

We were very fortunate that my son raised this issue on a Tuesday, because Tuesday is the only day my cardiologist--who is the best doctor I've ever had--is in the office. We were also lucky that he had had a cancellation for that day, because it normally takes months to get in to see him.

My wife called me at work to let me know she was taking our son to the appointment, and I left the office to meet them there. When my son was finally called in for his exam, I accompanied him; not because I was trying to be a control freak, but because I have a long-time rapport with the doctor and have a lot of experience with similar heart issues. Plus, I was generally concerned.

After the nurse gave my son an EKG, we had to wait about an hour for the doctor to come in. The doctor listened to my son's heart carefully and could not hear anything abnormal. He also said the EKG was totally normal. While the doctor said my son could possibly have atrial fibrillation--which can be hereditary--he said it was highly unlikely that he would have it at such a young age. He said it was more likely that my son has something called atrial premature beats, which is not as serious. And because my son has been experiencing these irregular beats only occasionally, the doctor did not want to put him on any medication at this point. The doctor told my son to let him know if he started having more frequent episodes, and asked him to come in and have an echocardiogram done the following week.

The most amazing part of this doctor's visit for me was the hour my son and I had to wait to see the doctor. During that hour, I had some of the best conversation I've had with my son in years. Not about anything in particular. Just about "stuff." It almost felt like I was having a dream or something. Seriously. My son and I hadn't talked like that in a long, long time. I even went out on a limb and asked him how he was doing with his sobriety, and whether or not he still has cravings.

His answer seemed very honest. He told me that he doesn't have cravings very often, but that he does have dreams about getting high. He added, "I know I can't go out and get high just once, though, because when I do my brain just tells me it wants more and more. And I don't want to deal with that shit anymore."

Yesterday my wife too our son to have his echocardiogram done, then took him to the urgent care clinic because he's been sick with a nasty sore throat/cold the last few days. After getting a prescription filled, they stopped by the house briefly for a "cat visit" before my wife dropped our son back off at his house.

I have to say, my son seems so much more level-headed now. The way he talks, the way he acts; it just seems so much more "normal." Hugging him and telling him that I love him felt so good yesterday.

Later on, my wife told me that our son told her he feels the best he's felt in years, even though he's sick with a cold. That alone speaks volumes to me.

So that's the health stuff. The other reason the "no contact at all for six months" plan has changed a bit is because the person who suggested it is no longer my son's sponsor. My son said they weren't seeing eye-to-eye on some things and that they both thought it best to amicably part ways. My son has a new temporary sponsor for now and says he'll see how that works out.

I should add that even though the strict "no contact" plan has technically been compromised, my wife and I are still committed to having very little contact with our son for a while. We still think it's the best way for him to gain independence and learn to figure things out on his own.

Some people may think we're being hypocritical by saying we want our son to figure things out on his own after we just took him to three doctors' appointments. But your kid's heart isn't something you really want to mess around with. So if us taking him to the doctor makes us hypocrites, I'll proudly accept that designation in this instance.

One more thing: I've said this before but I want to say it again. If you or someone you love is going through a problem with addiction, try your best to be open about it. I know it's not easy, but I really believe it's the only way the stigma associated with addiction will ever be lessened. I am very grateful that God gave me the ability to be totally transparent about my son's condition right from the start. I have nothing at all to hide and will talk to anyone about everything my son and our family have been through. I know some people might find that strange, but addiction is everywhere and can happen to anyone. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

Happy Friday and praise the Lord. My son is 62 days clean today. But who's counting?

"Everything I have to offer anyone...depends on me staying sober." --Anne Lamott

This 'n' that

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was kind of sad not having our son around to help us celebrate. Not that we did anything super exciting. My wife and I both view Mother's Day (along with Father's Day, Valentine's Day, etc.) as sort of a "Hallmark Holiday," so our "celebrations" are pretty low-key. But I did cook a nice meal, and our son was definitely missed at the dinner table. To his credit, though, he did call my wife to wish her a happy Mother's Day.

It's been 16 days since we started our "no contact with our son for six months" plan, and things seem to be going alright. I would, however, be lying to you if I said we haven't had any contact at all with him. There have been a couple of instances where we have seen him or talked to him very briefly. And by "very briefly," I mean for about two minutes (or less) on each occasion.

The first time was when our son stopped by our house to pick up a prescription refill that his psychiatrist called into the pharmacy and my wife picked up. Some people--including his sponsor--might say that this goes totally against the "no contact, let him figure it out" rule. But when it comes to our son's medication, we're not going to just let him run out and stop taking his anti-depressants because he doesn't have the money to pay for them. That's not safe. (We know this from past experience.)

The second time was when our son ripped his favorite sweatshirt and called my wife to ask her if she could sew it for him. My wife said she would, but that she didn't know when she could get to it. She told him to drop it off, and he did. (He came by the house and put it through the mail slot.)

I guess yesterday's "Happy Mother's Day" call counts as a third time. But, seriously... I'm not counting that as any kind of negative. There was no begging to come over for dinner on my son's part. It was just a polite, loving phone call, and my wife was very happy to get it.

So that's an update on my son. We haven't heard anything negative from his sponsor, or from the owner of the sober living house. So we're assuming things have improved. He hasn't been kicked out of the house and, to the best of our knowledge, he's still clean. (By my calculations, today would be 50 days.) My wife and I continue to pray that things continue to go well.

Now for an update on me.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I was trying my best to "live in the moment." I'm happy to report that I seem to be getting better at that than I ever dreamed I could. The little things in life aren't getting me down as much as they used to. I don't feel the need to be in total control of everything like I used to. And I'm getting better at letting go. Both in my personal life and my work life, I notice a big difference. My wife notices it, too.

I think this is a major accomplishment on my part, and it makes me feel much better about myself. I used to be a full-blown Type A personality. Now? Maybe not so much. Hell, I'm even sleeping better than I have in years. Actually falling asleep easily and sleeping through the night.

It's taken me a long time to get to the place I'm in today. More than seven years. And I attribute the changes to a few different things:

• I believe I've finally found the right dosage of the right anti-depressant. For the last few months, I just plain feel better. I've tried a bunch of different anti-depressants over the years, with limited success. But right now, things are good. I'm glad I didn't give up trying.
• I think I've learned to let go of stuff simply because I was too exhausted from trying to hang onto it. For example: I used to come home from work worrying about the projects on my plate and obsessing over them, even while I was trying to get to sleep. I finally figured out that was no way to live. Surprisingly, my boss is largely responsible for me finally "getting" this. "The work will be there tomorrow," he always tells me. "You and your family should always come first." And you know what? He's right.
• Anne Lamott. Anne Lamott is an amazing woman and an amazing author who writes books full of incredible honesty and self-deprecating humor. She writes about faith. And grace. And hope. And covers topics like alcoholism, sobriety, depression, Christianity, and parenthood. (Coincidentally, she has a 22-year-old son with the same name as our son who is also in recovery.) Anne Lamott was always one of my wife's favorite authors, and I started reading bits and pieces of her books. To my surprise, there are so many things she writes about that I can totally relate to. Reading her stuff makes me feel so comforted. Like I am not alone. She is such a wise woman. Sometimes I think of the old Joan Osborne song "One of Us" ("What if God was one of us?...) and think that Anne Lamott might just be that person. If you've never read anything by her, you need to. As soon as possible. My wife and I recently had the pleasure of attending a talk/Q&A session with Anne at a local church. I swear, it was like a religious experience for me. And it was such a pleasure to meet and talk to her afterwards.
• My wife is also responsible for my living a better life of late. My wife is the most amazing woman I know, and her outlook on life is so positive. I'll be honest: my wife's positive outlook on life used to bother me. I was always feeling so down and negative, and she was always feeling upbeat and positive. It was, quite frankly, annoying. But over the last year or so, I've started to cross over to her side. Being negative and pessimistic takes a tremendous toll on a person. And I was that person. Living in the moment, appreciating what you have, taking negatives and re-framing them into positives, and not letting the little things in life get you down. My wife has taught me how to do that. I'm still learning, but I'm a much better student than I used to be. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my wife. She's the most important person in my life. Without her, I think the last seven-plus years might've killed me.
• The last thing that has helped me change and get to the place I'm at today is this blog. When I started this blog back in December of 2008, I had no idea if I would keep it going or not. But I did. And I'm glad I did, because every post I make is therapy for me. It allows me to get my feelings "out there," and getting comments from people--many of them in the same situation as me--makes me feel like I'm not alone. So thanks to each and every one of you who reads my rambling posts. You're like my little army of therapists.

Wow. That's a long post. Thanks for sticking with it. And thanks for sticking with me.

Peace.

One week later

It's been a week since the last "crisis" with my son and I'm happy to report that things seem to be going well. He did not get kicked out of his sober living house and we haven't had contact with him; no phone calls, no texts, no e-mails. So at this point, I'd have to say his sponsor's plan is working. It's not easy being cut off from him, but if he's gaining some independence, figuring things out, and working the 12 Steps like he should be, it's more than worth it.

Oh, wait. My wife did have one brief encounter with our son last Saturday. She went to the grocery store, which is right across the street from the neighborhood Starbucks. As she was leaving the store and heading to her car, she happened to bump into our son and his sponsor. They were coming out of Starbucks, books in hand. They had been working the steps. My wife gave our son a big hug and told him she loved him and was proud of him. When my wife came home and told me what had happened, she called it a "God moment."

Amen.

A new day

Yesterday was a tough day, but I'm grateful to have had it, even though it was fraught with disappointment.

"Progress, not perfection," right? My son is still clean, and as of now he's still in his sober living house. My wife and I talked to him last night and told him that we were stepping back for a while. We told him that we love him very much, and that he needs to do whatever the house owner asks of him, even if he doesn't always agree with it. We also told him that he needs to work closely with his sponsor.

Some people have asked questions about my previous post. Things like Why are we letting his sponsor control our son's life?; or Why are we cutting off contact with our son altogether? All I can say is that my wife and I have tried many, many different things over the last seven-plus years we've been dealing with our son's addiction. None of them have really worked, so we're trying something new. That's all. We have come to learn that we can't control or cure our son's addiction. He has to be the one to help himself. And we believe that deep down inside he wants to do just that.

My wife and I have made many mistakes over the years. We've coddled and enabled our son way too much. He's 22 years old now and he has to start figuring things out for himself. That is why we are stepping back. To give him an opportunity to mature and gain independence. We are not abandoning him. We are always here for him and love him more than words can describe. We are simply giving him some space.

Will this approach work? Obviously, there's no way to know. But our son's sponsor suggested it, and my wife and I have agreed to give it a try.

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate everyone who reads this blog.

Conned again

It's Friday morning, and what started out as a great day has suddenly gone downhill fast.

I just got a call from my son's sponsor, who is the person who got him into his current sober living house. The call was to tell me that my son is on the verge of being kicked out of the house he's in. Evidently he's been skipping meetings, not working the program as he should be, not communicating with his sponsor, etc. The owner of the house told my son this morning that he's on his last leg. The owner then called my son's sponsor to tell him the same thing. And, unfortunately, this is the second time this has happened in the last few weeks.

I'm incredibly disappointed, but not the least bit surprised. My wife and I have been conned again. It's not the first time. It's probably like the 4,275th time. And it won't be the last time. It's what addicts do. They live in their self-centered world, do what they want to do, and tell their loved ones what they think they want to hear. It's just part of the disease.

Our son's sponsor thinks our son has been lying to us so if he does get kicked out of the sober living house, we'll let him come back home...because he's clean. But I will tell you right now, that will not happen.

The only good news here is that my son is clean. So there is that. But if he gets kicked out of the house he's in, he's going to have to find somewhere else to live. And he's going to have to do it without mom and dad's help. My wife and I are done fixing things for our son. He's an adult and has to figure things out for himself.

His sponsor told me that we should not have any contact with our son until he has six months clean--with one exception: we're supposed to call him later today and tell him that we made a mistake by letting him come by the house over the last 30 days, talking to him on the phone, taking him places, etc. And that starting today, we are cutting off all contact. In fact, after I finish this blog post I'm going online to block my son's cell phone number from my wife's cell phone. (I don't have a cell phone.) No more calls. No more text messages.

I admit that my wife and I screwed up by not avoiding all contact with our son over the last month. It's just so hard to cut your child off completely. But that's what we need to do. Starting today.

If our son ends up getting kicked out of his sober living house, his sponsor said he can probably get him into some kind of shelter. So he won't be living on the streets. But his situation will drastically change.

Our son's sponsor is going to call him today and lay everything on the line. We're praying that our son will get the message and change his ways. But if not, we will accept whatever happens and let him deal with it on his own. That's the way it has to be.

Happy Friday.

"I've always thought I could use my brain and my heart to jockey everyone around to the good. But life is not jockeyable. When you try, you make people infinitely crazier than they already were, including or especially yourself." --Anne Lamott

It feels different this time

I took the day off work yesterday to give myself a bit of a break. Work's been incredibly busy and stressful, and I get a lot of vacation time. It's just hard for me to take it in big chunks. So I've decided to take a day off here and there to take care of things around the house and recuperate a bit.

In the morning, the phone rang. Looking at the Caller ID, I could see that it was my son calling. Not too long ago, seeing his number on the Caller ID would send me into an immediate panic. Sometimes--no, most of the time--I wouldn't even answer. But yesterday I didn't feel that panic and picked up the phone.

My son has been wanting to get a new tattoo for a while, and he was calling to see if I would be willing to take him to the tattoo place after he got off work. (My son still doesn't drive.) He had earned the money to pay for the tattoo by working, which I thought was a huge accomplishment. So I agreed to take him. It actually worked out well, because I had to drive my younger son to an appointment around the same time, and both places were relatively close by.

When we picked up my son at his house, one of the first things he told us was, "I got my 30 day chip today." That was great to hear, and I gave him a fist bump, congratulated him, and told him I was very proud of him.

After dropping my younger son off at his appointment, my older son and I headed to the tattoo place. During the drive there, my son and I talked quite a bit. I told him again how proud I was that he had 30 days of sobriety under his belt. What he said in response came as a pleasant surprise to me. "I've had 30 days of clean time a few times before, but this is the first time it feels like 30 days of recovery instead of just 30 days of not using."

I thought that was a very revealing statement. My son went on to tell me that he hasn't even thought about using during the last 30 days. He said he's had some bad days, and some bad moments during other days, but that he's been able to deal with things without thinking about using. After seven plus years of battling addiction, a few stints in rehab, and six sober living houses, that statement by my son is a huge reason why it feels different this time. He said it with such honesty and conviction. It might be the most amazing and promising sentence I've heard come out of his mouth in seven years.

After getting his tattoo--which, by the way, is "XO" on his chest over his heart (XO is the name of an album by one of my son's favorite singer-songwriters, Elliott Smith; and also the subtitle of a song on that album, "Waltz #2 [XO]")--we went and picked up my younger son and headed home. When I dropped my son off at his house, I told him yet again how proud I was of him and how much I loved him.

It feels different this time.