Looking Back: January 23, 2007

I was looking through my pre-blog journal this morning and stopped to read my entry from exactly seven years ago today. It was pretty lengthy--I tend to ramble when I'm writing for no one but myself--but one paragraph jumped out at me.

Over the years, I have come across of lot of parents of kids suffering from depression and/or addiction who feel incredibly sad about what's happening to their child. As a parent, that's so normal. I've also encountered many parents who feel like running away from the whole situation. That's so normal, too; although it tends to fill you up with guilt and make you feel even worse than you already do.

Going through depression or addiction with a child for the first time is an exhausting and trying process. It's not something you've planned on and it's certainly not something that has an easy solution. Feeling sad, guilty, scared--very scared--and thinking negative thoughts is all part of the grieving process. You just have to work through it and believe that there's a light on the other side. You have to believe. And not beat yourself up over how you feel. Those emotions are real and normal. Trust me. I've been there.

January 23, 2007

Sometimes I feel like just walking away. Just getting in the car and driving nowhere in particular, thousands of miles away. Finding new places, new things, new people…new feelings; because the feelings I have right now hurt so bad. Why should life be so painful? Why should the suffering just go on and on. I would give my life to make [my son] happy and "normal." And I wish I could. It would take away his pain and my pain at the same time.

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them." --Leo Tolstoy

This pillow hangs on a door knob in our living room. It's meant to be a Christmas decoration, but we leave it up all year round.