Survivor's guilt...and heroic parents

(Note: A version of this blog post appears on The Huffington Post's blog site as "Addiction: Survivor's Guilt and Heroic Parents.")


Can you suffer from "survivor's guilt" even if you are not the actual survivor? That's the question I've been asking myself lately.

Over the past few months, through my blog, Facebook, and my work with The Partnership at Drugfree.org, I've come into contact with many parents of addicts who have lost their children to drug addiction. Their kids were good kids--just like mine--who weren't as lucky as mine. And their parents are good parents--just like my wife and me--who weren't as lucky us.

When I look back over the last 7+ years, there's no question that what my wife and I went through with our son was a horrific nightmare. But it's nothing like the nightmare of losing a child. Not even close. Let's face it: my son and my family have suffered greatly; emotionally, physically, and financially. Our lives were turned upside down by addiction. That being said, though, our son is going on 10 months clean and sober. And he's alive. He has survived.

I have to say, when I think about that I am overjoyed. But at the same time, I feel some guilt. I wonder why it is that our son is finally--at least for now--on the right path. And I wonder why other parents have to suffer the horrible experience of having to bury their child because of this devastating disease called addiction.

I cannot even imagine what losing a child to drugs would be like. I have thought about it often. For a while, I was terrified that it might happen to me. And I'll admit that it's still something I think about when I allow my mind to wander out of the moment. I try to put myself in those parents' shoes and wonder what they feel. I wonder what I would feel. But the truth is, no matter what I think it would feel like...it must be a hundred times worse. Maybe a thousand times worse. Maybe a million.

There but for the grace of God, go I.

I must say, many of the parents who I've encountered recently--the ones who have lost a child to addiction--are some of the most incredible parents and human beings I have ever come across. Despite experiencing the worst thing a parent could possibly experience, they are fighting to help prevent other families from having to experience what they have.

They are putting themselves "out there," raising awareness and taking action against drugs and addiction. They are working hard to turn their tragedy into a positive thing for others. I can't even begin to describe what tremendous courage that takes. These people who have lost a child to drugs are making a difference. They are real life heroes and they are to be commended.

Here are a just a few links to websites created by some of these parents. I urge you to visit these sites, read their stories, and support their causes. If you have or know of a similar website, let me know. Leave me a comment with the URL and I will add it to the list.

atTAcK addiction
Dedicated to Tyler Armstrong Keister
http://www.attackaddiction.com/

Shatterproof (formerly Brian's Wish)
Dedicated to Brian Mendell
http://www.shatterproof.org/

Gregg's Gift
Dedicated to Gregg Grossman
http://www.greggsgift.org/

Henry's Fund
Dedicated to Henry Louis Granju
http://henrysfundonline.org/

Kacie's Cause
Dedicated to Kacie Erin Rumford
http://www.kaciescause.com/

Tyler's Light
Dedicated to Tyler Campbell
http://tylerslight.com/

Zoe's Story
Dedicated to Zoe Kellner
http://www.zoe-story.com/Zoe-Story/Home.html

In Loving Memory of Jon Morelli
https://www.facebook.com/InLovingMemoryOfJonMorelli

Jake Koenigsdorf Foundation
https://www.facebook.com/jakekfoundation

the harris project
Dedicated to Harris Marquesano
https://www.facebook.com/theharrisprojectCOD

I will leave you with two videos. The first, "She'll Never Come Home," was posted by Kacie Rumford's father. It's silent. But it's powerful. Please take a couple minutes out of your day to watch it.

The second is "Henry's Story," about Henry Granju. It's a longer video, but well worth the 28 or so minutes required to watch it. It shows what can happen to a teenager who starts experimenting with drugs.

"It can happen to any kid."

Hoping I might have helped

I spent about 90 minutes on the phone last night talking to a friend of my brother-in-law's. This friend is going through the very difficult process of dealing with a family member suffering from addiction. He wanted to talk to me to get some insight and ideas.

Unfortunately, his loved one doesn't seem to be at the point (yet) of wanting to get help. It's that frustrating stage we--family members of addicts--all go through: Wanting the addict to get help more than the addict himself/herself wants it.

I liken the whole situation to being in high school and falling head-over-heels in love with the nicest, best looking girl in the school. You want nothing more than her to like you the way that you like her. But no matter what your feelings are, they really mean nothing if she doesn't have the same feelings for you. You can't make someone love you. And you can't make an addict want to recover.

That's an eye-opening feeling that can start one on the road to detachment. Detachment with love is never easy, especially when you're dealing with a member of your own family. But sometimes it's the only way to A.) Get through to the addict, and--most importantly--B.) Maintain your own sanity.

As I've mentioned before, it took me and my wife about seven years to figure out that our son was going to choose to use or not use no matter what we wanted him to do. The bottom line is that it's the addict's choice. And until you realize that, you will drive yourself crazy. You will suffer emotional torture that nobody deserves to be subjected to.

Remember: You have a life to live, too. You can't ignore your own recovery.

Take a step back and assess your addict's commitment to getting help. If you find yourself wanting it more than they do, especially after a number of years, that's a red flag. It may be time to detach with love.

Preventing Substance Abuse (+ Something for the Kids)

The last several weeks have been enlightening and thought-provoking for me for a few different reasons.

• I was lucky enough to receive an Advance Reading Copy (ARC) of David Sheff's tremendous new book Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America's Greatest Tragedy. (My review of Clean is over at Amazon.com in case you're interested. Look for the review by "deanokat." My wife also read the book and says: "I think every parent with a middle school to high school aged child should read Clean.") Sheff, you might recall, is also the author of Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction; the book that changed my life by changing not only how I dealt with my own son's addiction, but by making me realize I needed to take care of the one person I could control: Me.
• I became aware of a group called atTAck addiction, which was started by the parents of a young man who lost his battle with addiction and passed away on December 23, 2012. These parents are doing an amazing thing by taking the most unthinkable of tragedies and trying to turn it into something positive. Their mission? "Through Tyler's tragic death from a drug overdose we hope to help young people realize the dangers of alcohol and drugs so that they, and their families, never have to experience the pain, tragedy, and loneliness that accompany addiction." They are passing out "atTAck addiction" wrist bands, doing presentations to students, and are discussing other possibilities like curriculum for schools, hotlines, housing for recovering addicts, etc. What's not to love about that?
• I have also been asked to be a member of The Partnership at Drugfree.org's National Parent Network (NPN). The NPN is "an independent collaboration of parents and other caregivers of children who have been touched by substance abuse. Members of this network, called Parent Partners, provide the perspective of firsthand experience to The Partnership at Drugfree.org, in its mission to help solve the problem of teen substance abuse." I have to say, I was quite humbled when I was asked to join this group. And I'm very excited to participate in my first meeting tomorrow afternoon. (If you haven't read the story I shared in the Hope Share section of their website, you can read it here.)

For those reasons, I've been thinking more and more about preventing substance abuse in young people. The incredible difficulties associated with treatment of addicts would go away if we could get kids to not become addicted in the first place. I know that might sound crazy to some people. But it's reality.

Because of this, I'm creating a "post within a post" today. Parents: If you have kids who are old enough to read and understand what I'm about to write, please plop them down in front of the computer screen--or plop the computer screen down in front of them--and have them read this. It's relatively short. And something I say might stick with your child. But before I get to the kids' post, let me present you with a couple of thought-provoking excerpts from Clean:

"A study undertaken by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry found that children of alcoholics were four times more likely than other kids to become alcoholics. Kids who have seen their parents drunk are five times more likely than kids who haven't to get drunk one or more times a month." (Clean ARC, pg. 49)

and...

"Given what we now know about the trajectory of drug use and the effects of drugs on the developing brains of adolescents, it's clear that prevention efforts should focus on children. The onset of the disease of addiction is so early, it can devastate a person's entire life....

As I reported, nine out of ten people who become addicted began using before they were eighteen; a person who gets to age twenty-one without using is virtually certain never to do so (and only one in twenty of those who start using after the age of twenty-one become addicted). The goal of prevention strategies should be preventing all use, but it's also valuable to delay use as long as possible. An older person who tries drugs is less likely to have problems with them, and any problems that do develop are usually less severe." (Clean ARC, pg. 45)

Based on those excerpts, you may want to adjust your own lifestyle to give your kids a better chance of avoiding addiction. And help your children in other ways, too. Like strengthening your family dynamic and getting more involved in your kids' lives. "A NIDA [National Institute on Drug Abuse] report, 'Preventing Drug Abuse among Children and Adolescents,' found the following factors to be protective: a strong bond between children and their families; parental involvement in a child's life; supportive parenting that meets financial, emotional, cognitive, and social needs; and clear limits and consistent enforcement of discipline." (Clean ARC, pp. 52-53)

Also, just talk to--not at--your kids on a regular basis. And be sure to listen.

Okay. Enough of my rambling. Here's a short post for the young people out there: 

Kids: Don't do it

If you're reading this it's because your parents love you and care about you. And they want to help you avoid the horrible world of substance abuse and drug addiction (including alcohol).

I'm the father of a great young man (he's 23) who started experimenting with drugs when he was about 15. He didn't know it, but his brain was wired differently, and once he started using drugs he couldn't stop. Addiction is a disease, and there's no real way to know if you have it. It's sad, but sometimes the only way someone finds out is if they start using drugs...and become addicted.

My son is in recovery now, which means he has stopped using drugs and is working hard to be "clean." It's been almost nine months since he used any drugs. This might not seem like a long time, but it's the longest drug-free stretch he's had since he was 15. (Kicking addiction's butt is not easy.)

The years between the time my son started using drugs and when he stopped (on July 2nd last year) were horrible. They were horrible for my son. They were horrible for his mom and me. They were horrible for his little brother. Drug addiction is a "family disease," which means it doesn't just make life miserable for the person using drugs; it makes life miserable for everyone in their family, too.

My son dropped out of high school and got a GED (General Equivalency Diploma) later on. He still doesn't have his drivers license, although he's working on that now. And he's spent more time in rehab centers and hospitals than anyone would ever want to. His life is finally starting to turn around, and I'm so incredibly proud of him. But it's been a long, hard road for all of us.

There's really only one foolproof way to avoid becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol: Don't start using them.

I know that might sound uncool to you. And it might make you seem like a weirdo to your friends. But is it worth risking your life just to be cool? Because people not only suffer greatly from addiction. They die from it. Trust me. Over the last several years I've met parents whose children have died from using drugs. It's not a nice thing.

Don't ever think, "It can't happen to me." Because it can. It happens every day to kids just like you who think they're immune from drug addiction. I never thought it would happen to my son, either. But he started experimenting with pot and other people's prescription drugs. From there he moved on to other drugs, including cocaine and heroin. And POOF! Just like that more than seven years of his life were gone.

I know being a kid these days is tough. And peer pressure can be overwhelming. But if you're thinking of experimenting with alcohol or pot or any other drugs, here are three words of advice for you:

Don't do it.

If you're feeling stressed out or overwhelmed or depressed about school or life or members of the opposite sex--or anything--tell your parents. Or a school counselor. They can help you find ways of dealing with your feelings that are better than self-medication. Trust me: Using drugs or alcohol is not the answer.

 

8

This will be short and sweet.

My son is eight months clean and sober today. I continue to be incredibly proud of him.

In addition, tomorrow my wife and I are going to a party celebrating one year of sobriety for one of my son's sober living housemates.

Young people in recovery. It can happen. In fact, it is happening.

One day at a time...

What if money was no object?

I watched a video someone sent me via Facebook the other day. The title of the video is "What if money was no object?" and the audio is from a lecture by Alan Watts. The basic gist of the lecture is: What would you do with your life if money wasn't a factor?

This video really hit home with me. I am 51 years old and have been working for the same company for 23 years. When I started with the organization, I was doing something I really enjoyed. But over the years, that job went away and I took a totally different position within the company, which I've been doing for about the last 13 years or so.

Here's the deal with my job: I'm grateful to have it and everything that comes along with it (salary, insurance benefits, paid time off, the ability to work from home, etc.). I'm also extremely good at what I do. So, what's the problem? The problem is that I just don't like the work very much. Changing processes, added responsibilities, cutbacks in staff, and other things have made the job so much more stressful and, quite frankly, almost impossible to do. And that's not a good feeling.

Unfortunately, as a 51-year-old man with a family to support my options are pretty limited. Finding a new job that offers me everything I have now would be, I'm guessing, impossible at my age. So--as Alan Watts says--I continue "doing things [I] don't like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things [I] don't like doing. Which is stupid." I couldn't have said it better myself. Watts goes on to say, "Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way."

I feel trapped, unfulfilled, and unhappy. And when I contemplate the "What if money was no object?" question, I always come up with two things. First of all, I dream of going to culinary school and working as a chef. If I had my whole life to live over again, knowing what I know now, I would've chosen that career path when I was younger. Realistically, though, quitting my current job and going to culinary school--which is quite expensive (there's that damn money issue)--probably isn't an option. Especially at my age.

The second thing I think about doing is helping parents of addicts, and maybe even addicts themselves. Having gone through what I've gone through over the last several years, I've learned so much about what the parent of an addict should and shouldn't do. Granted, I've learned it "in the trenches" as opposed to in the classroom. But I feel I have a lot to offer people who are in the situation I've been through. Strangely, five years ago I couldn't imagine being even remotely qualified to give another parent of an addict advice on how to work on their recovery. But now? I think I have valuable knowledge that would help people.

Once again, though, I don't think a career move to "Counselor for Parents of Addicts" is very realistic. I'm sure a college degree of some sort is necessary to do that kind of work, and I don't have one. I only finished about two years of college before I decided to take a break and get a temporary job...at the company I'm still working for. (So much for "temporary," huh?) But helping parents of addicts and helping break the stigma associated with addiction (and depression) is something I know I would love doing. It would make me feel like I was doing something to help others and supporting an incredibly important cause. My current job just doesn't give me that.

I want to make a bigger difference in this world. I want to help people. I want to let parents of addicts know that things can get better for them. That they can recover and live reasonably normal, enjoyable lives. And that they really have no control over their addicted child's decisions. I never really thought I would ever learn that. But I did. And if I can learn it, anyone can learn it. I want to help parents of addicts reclaim their lives.

When my wife and I attended the Family Program at Michael's House in Palm Springs while my son was in rehab there, we had frequent group sessions with other parents. During one of those group sessions, a woman who was brand new to the whole "my child is an addict" experience remarked, "You two should be the parent counselors." I took a great deal of pride in hearing that. And it's stuck with me ever since. It really is something I'd love to do.

So that's what I'm feeling today. If anyone out there has any words of wisdom or advice on how to make a career change at age 51--with no college degree and no pile of money hidden away somewhere--bring it on. I'm all ears.

P.S. I should add that I have recently had the great honor of being added to the National Parent Network for The Partnership at Drugfree.org. This network consists of parents of addicts who can provide assistance and support to other parents going through the experience for the first time. I am so grateful to have been chosen to be a part of this group. At least I will be able to get a taste of what I would like to do full time at some point. If money was no object.

GOD

I got my third tattoo the other day: My dad's initials on my left shoulder. I had the tattoo artist make a template from my own handwriting, just like I did when I had my sons' names tattooed on my wrists about a year ago.

Coincidentally, my dad's initials were GOD. So the tattoo has kind of a dual meaning, considering it was a "God moment" that brought us back together.

Rest in peace, dad. You'll always be with me now.

Grieving

It's been four days since my father passed away and for some reason the grief didn't really hit me until today.

Of course there was enormous sadness in the hospital while my dad was suffering. It was so painful to see him hurting, not even aware of his surroundings. But after the hospice nurse talked to us and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make my dad comfortable, that sadness turned into relief. Even when my dad stopped breathing, there was more relief than anything else.

The last three days weren't bad, either. But today has been absolutely miserable for me. From the moment I woke up this morning, all I've been able to think about is the fact that my dad is gone forever and that I won't see or talk to him anymore. I went in the garage this afternoon and saw the box of tools he gave me just a few months ago...and I cried.

This is the first time I've lost someone in my immediate family and I'm not sure I know how to grieve properly. Or if there even is a "right way" to grieve. I feel kind of lost and mixed up. And it's unsettling.

I had also never seen anyone die before. Now the event that provided so much relief just four days ago is sort of haunting me. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget being there with my dad, holding onto him while he took his last breath. That's something I was never prepared for.

I'm probably just rambling now. But I felt a need to get these feelings off my chest. I feel a bit guilty, too, because right now my entire family is gathered at my sister's house. My mom, my two sisters, my brother, my wife, and my two sons are all there for dinner. I was also there for a very short time. But I was only there physically. Mentally? That's another story. So I had my wife bring me home. I just needed to be alone, in my own space. At this moment in time, this is how I'm choosing to grieve.

I'm not sure what the days ahead will bring. I've never been through this before. I'll just take it a day at a time. That's something I've gotten pretty good at, I guess.

"We sang your favorite hymns and we held your hand/You took your final breath and that was that/But I'd never seen a person die before/I tried so hard not to cry, you know/'cause maybe sometimes we've got to trust ourselves/That when you die you go someplace else..." --Kathleen Edwards (from her song "Scared At Night")