I haven't posted here since before Christmas, so I thought I'd check in.
My son was home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well.
On Christmas Day, right before dinner, he said he was going for a walk. My wife and I told him he couldn't go, because that was one of the boundaries we had set prior to his visit. Our son insisted that he didn't have any money, so there was no way he was going to do anything bad. We stuck to our guns, though, and he was not at all happy about it.
Well, later on we found out our son did have money. It turns out my mom had given him some because he told her he had to buy a Christmas gift for someone. Another lie. More manipulation. Same old bullshit.
After dinner, our son admitted to us that he had wanted to go get "fucked up" because he was feeling "fucked up." (His depression is really kicking his ass lately. He needs to get back into therapy, which is something we're working on.)
Needless to say, the Christmas Day incident kind of put a damper on the whole weekend. My son was also very distant and quiet the whole time he was home. Given the chance to do it all over again, my wife and I would've picked him up on Christmas morning and taken him back to his sober living house on Christmas night. Having him stay at home for two nights just wasn't a good idea. Live and learn.
When my son was getting ready to have my wife drive him back to Ann Arbor on Monday morning, I broke down in tears and hugged him tightly. I told him that I love him more than anything in the world, but that I hope he'll realize someday how much pain and hardship he's caused the family. I also told him that he has incredible potential, and that I hope he gets on the right path soon so he can take advantage of that potential. It was a very emotional moment for me and I cried like a baby for about an hour straight after my son left.
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So today is New Year's Day. Goodbye, 2011...Hello, 2012. It's been almost seven years since my son started battling addiction, and every New Year's I hope the coming year will be better than the previous one. Today is no different. My wife and I will try to stay strong and continue to work on our own recovery. Letting go is hard, but I think we're slowly making some progress.
Progress, not perfection. One day at a time.
Happy New Year to everyone who reads this blog. And thanks for your support. I wish nothing but good things for you and your families in 2012.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Home for Christmas
As I type this post, my wife is on her way to Ann Arbor to pick up our son. He is coming home for Christmas weekend and we will take him back to his sober living house on Monday. Although I'm sure it will be a bit stressful, we're all really looking forward to spending Christmas together. (There are also three cats in this house who will be thrilled to see their buddy again.)
Today we will decorate our tree. It's been up since last weekend, but we've been waiting for our son to come home before we decorate it. After that, we'll probably just hang out, wrap gifts, watch football, and enjoy being together at home.
Tomorrow we will exchange gifts and I will cook up a nice Christmas dinner.
Nothing too overhwelming. Just a nice Christmas weekend together. Fingers crossed.
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On a Christmas-related note, yesterday my wife and I went to our local Kmart store and anonymously paid off the layaway balances for three people. Money has been tight for us lately, but we know there are a whole lot of other families in much worse shape than us. Hopefully our gesture will help make this Christmas a little happier and a little easier for those three people and their families. And being "Secret Santas" made my wife and I feel pretty special inside.
'Tis the season.
Today we will decorate our tree. It's been up since last weekend, but we've been waiting for our son to come home before we decorate it. After that, we'll probably just hang out, wrap gifts, watch football, and enjoy being together at home.
Tomorrow we will exchange gifts and I will cook up a nice Christmas dinner.
Nothing too overhwelming. Just a nice Christmas weekend together. Fingers crossed.
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On a Christmas-related note, yesterday my wife and I went to our local Kmart store and anonymously paid off the layaway balances for three people. Money has been tight for us lately, but we know there are a whole lot of other families in much worse shape than us. Hopefully our gesture will help make this Christmas a little happier and a little easier for those three people and their families. And being "Secret Santas" made my wife and I feel pretty special inside.
'Tis the season.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Majoring in "Recovery"
So, my son has been living in a sober living house in Ann Arbor for almost two weeks now. Things have been up and down with him, but at least I'm pretty sure that he's clean and sober. At least nobody at the house has told us otherwise (they do drug test the residents). So that's a good thing.
Monday was his 22nd birthday, and we weren't able to be with him to celebrate. But we did go out and visit him on the Saturday before, took him to lunch, bought him a bus pass, and did some shopping at the mall. It was nice to hang out with him, and even nicer for him and his brother to have some quality time together.
I think my son is a bit disappointed to be back in Michigan. In a perfect world, I think he would've liked to have stayed in Palm Springs, with the warm California weather and the new friendships he had made. But he didn't follow the rules, and I think he thought heading back east was his only option. The house he's living in now is nowhere near as nice as the sober living house he was living in in California. He went from living in a pretty plush place to living in the basement of a house that's much--how shall I say it?--less comfortable. But I guess that's a consequence of his actions.
I do think Ann Arbor is a good place for him to be, though, assuming he embraces it, works hard on his recovery, and gets/stays serious about moving forward on the right path. I told him the other day to think in his mind that he's attending the University of Michigan and majoring in "Recovery." He's in a great college town and living in a house that's probably the kind of house he'd be living in if he was living off-campus as a student. He needs to "go to class" every day, study hard, and work towards that Recovery "degree." It would be nice if he found some kind of work, too, because Lord knows my finances will not be able to support both him and the rest of the family much longer.
This week will be tough. With Christmas coming up a week from today, my wife and I haven't quite figured out what to do about our son coming home for the holiday. He said the house manager told him he would be allowed to come home for two days. While that sounds great, and we'd love to have him spend some time with us--he hasn't been in our house in almost four months--there will more than likely be a huge amount of stress associated with such a visit.
My wife and I are in the process of coming up with a list of "boundaries" that we would expect our son to follow if he comes home for Christmas. While we don't want to be too controlling, the simple fact of the matter is that if he's going to be spending time here, he's going to have to follow house rules. That may even include not going to visit friends who live nearby, because some of those friends are still doing the kinds of things that our son just can't do if he wants to stay clean. One stupid decision could get him kicked out of the house in Ann Arbor; then he would be in an incredibly difficult position.
I'm not sure if he'll agree to the rules we set forth. But if he doesn't, we will probably just tell him we'll pick him up on Christmas morning, let him spend the day at home, and then take him back later in the evening. I guess the choice will be his.
The holidays are always stressful. But when you're the parent of an addict, that stress can be multiplied exponentially. And then some. I have to remember that my life--and my recovery--are important, too. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. But I'm working harder on staying focused on me. I think I need to major in "Recovery," too.
Monday was his 22nd birthday, and we weren't able to be with him to celebrate. But we did go out and visit him on the Saturday before, took him to lunch, bought him a bus pass, and did some shopping at the mall. It was nice to hang out with him, and even nicer for him and his brother to have some quality time together.
I think my son is a bit disappointed to be back in Michigan. In a perfect world, I think he would've liked to have stayed in Palm Springs, with the warm California weather and the new friendships he had made. But he didn't follow the rules, and I think he thought heading back east was his only option. The house he's living in now is nowhere near as nice as the sober living house he was living in in California. He went from living in a pretty plush place to living in the basement of a house that's much--how shall I say it?--less comfortable. But I guess that's a consequence of his actions.
I do think Ann Arbor is a good place for him to be, though, assuming he embraces it, works hard on his recovery, and gets/stays serious about moving forward on the right path. I told him the other day to think in his mind that he's attending the University of Michigan and majoring in "Recovery." He's in a great college town and living in a house that's probably the kind of house he'd be living in if he was living off-campus as a student. He needs to "go to class" every day, study hard, and work towards that Recovery "degree." It would be nice if he found some kind of work, too, because Lord knows my finances will not be able to support both him and the rest of the family much longer.
This week will be tough. With Christmas coming up a week from today, my wife and I haven't quite figured out what to do about our son coming home for the holiday. He said the house manager told him he would be allowed to come home for two days. While that sounds great, and we'd love to have him spend some time with us--he hasn't been in our house in almost four months--there will more than likely be a huge amount of stress associated with such a visit.
My wife and I are in the process of coming up with a list of "boundaries" that we would expect our son to follow if he comes home for Christmas. While we don't want to be too controlling, the simple fact of the matter is that if he's going to be spending time here, he's going to have to follow house rules. That may even include not going to visit friends who live nearby, because some of those friends are still doing the kinds of things that our son just can't do if he wants to stay clean. One stupid decision could get him kicked out of the house in Ann Arbor; then he would be in an incredibly difficult position.
I'm not sure if he'll agree to the rules we set forth. But if he doesn't, we will probably just tell him we'll pick him up on Christmas morning, let him spend the day at home, and then take him back later in the evening. I guess the choice will be his.
The holidays are always stressful. But when you're the parent of an addict, that stress can be multiplied exponentially. And then some. I have to remember that my life--and my recovery--are important, too. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. But I'm working harder on staying focused on me. I think I need to major in "Recovery," too.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Tough morning
I think I just had some sort of mini breakdown. Haven't cried that much in a long time. Sometimes it's the only way to feel better. So happy to have such a wonderful wife. She helped me through it.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Back to Michigan
Through a series of unfortunate events, my son's California treatment/sober living days have come to an end after a little more than three months. There's no need to detail everything that happened, but the unfortunate events did include another relapse, which resulted in a positive drug test and my son's expulsion from his sober living house. Rules are rules, and if you break them you will suffer the consequences. At some point, that has to sink in, doesn't it?
During the series of unfortunate events, one thing did happen that made me extremely proud of my son. A girl he knows, who is also in recovery and was also kicked out of her sober living house, texted him late one night from her hotel room. She told him that she had just taken all of her meds. My son reacted by waking up someone in his house who had a car, going to the hotel, and taking the girl to the hospital. The woman who runs the sober living house told my wife that our son "saved that girl's life." That's pretty powerful.
So tomorrow, my son flies from Palm Springs back to Michigan. He's coming "home," but he's not coming home. Arrangements have been made for him to move into a sober living house in Ann Arbor, which is about an hour's drive from where we live. The house appears to be a decent place--though nowhere near as nice as the Palm Springs digs--and the guy who owns it is in recovery himself. It's near a bus line (Ann Arbor has a great bus system), near the University of Michigan Addiction Treatment Services (which has top-notch outpatient care), and is reasonably priced. Ann Arbor is also supposed to be a very recovery friendly city, with lots of AA and NA support meetings to attend, a large recovering community, and a strong support network. I think there should be some decent job opportunities there, too.
This whole "move" is happening pretty quickly, and my wife and I were scrambling a bit yesterday, making sure our son got all his "extra" stuff to the UPS Store so they could pack it and ship it back here. (He ended up with more stuff in Palm Springs than he originally took there because we had sent him things he had needed/wanted over the course of his stay there.) One observation: Having a bunch of clothes and books and a guitar packed and shipped from California to Michigan isn't cheap.
Late tomorrow afternoon, we will pick our son up at the airport, take him to his new sober living house, and help him get situated. It'll be great to see him, but I wish it was under different circumstances. I'm also not sure how it's going to be having him in sober living so close to home. Yes, it's an hour away, but it's way closer than California. I'm pretty sure he might lobby to come home at some point. But that really isn't an option anymore. At least not until he gets some quality sober time under his belt and gets back to working the program seriously.
December is going to be a tough month. My son's 22nd birthday is only eight days away. And, of course, Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not sure how these days will be celebrated, but I guess we'll figure it all out as it comes.
I really hope this Ann Arbor thing works out, because it's probably the last option we can afford. The last few months--the last few years, really--have drained us financially, and at some point my son is going to have to take full responsibility for his recovery; if he ultimately chooses to recover. My wife and I have to do what's best for us and for our younger son. We have lives, too.
The next couple of days will be interesting and challenging. But then, being the parent of an addict is always interesting and challenging. That's the nature of the beast. If you're reading this post, please take a moment to say a prayer or think a good thought for my family...especially for my son.
During the series of unfortunate events, one thing did happen that made me extremely proud of my son. A girl he knows, who is also in recovery and was also kicked out of her sober living house, texted him late one night from her hotel room. She told him that she had just taken all of her meds. My son reacted by waking up someone in his house who had a car, going to the hotel, and taking the girl to the hospital. The woman who runs the sober living house told my wife that our son "saved that girl's life." That's pretty powerful.
So tomorrow, my son flies from Palm Springs back to Michigan. He's coming "home," but he's not coming home. Arrangements have been made for him to move into a sober living house in Ann Arbor, which is about an hour's drive from where we live. The house appears to be a decent place--though nowhere near as nice as the Palm Springs digs--and the guy who owns it is in recovery himself. It's near a bus line (Ann Arbor has a great bus system), near the University of Michigan Addiction Treatment Services (which has top-notch outpatient care), and is reasonably priced. Ann Arbor is also supposed to be a very recovery friendly city, with lots of AA and NA support meetings to attend, a large recovering community, and a strong support network. I think there should be some decent job opportunities there, too.
This whole "move" is happening pretty quickly, and my wife and I were scrambling a bit yesterday, making sure our son got all his "extra" stuff to the UPS Store so they could pack it and ship it back here. (He ended up with more stuff in Palm Springs than he originally took there because we had sent him things he had needed/wanted over the course of his stay there.) One observation: Having a bunch of clothes and books and a guitar packed and shipped from California to Michigan isn't cheap.
Late tomorrow afternoon, we will pick our son up at the airport, take him to his new sober living house, and help him get situated. It'll be great to see him, but I wish it was under different circumstances. I'm also not sure how it's going to be having him in sober living so close to home. Yes, it's an hour away, but it's way closer than California. I'm pretty sure he might lobby to come home at some point. But that really isn't an option anymore. At least not until he gets some quality sober time under his belt and gets back to working the program seriously.
December is going to be a tough month. My son's 22nd birthday is only eight days away. And, of course, Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not sure how these days will be celebrated, but I guess we'll figure it all out as it comes.
I really hope this Ann Arbor thing works out, because it's probably the last option we can afford. The last few months--the last few years, really--have drained us financially, and at some point my son is going to have to take full responsibility for his recovery; if he ultimately chooses to recover. My wife and I have to do what's best for us and for our younger son. We have lives, too.
The next couple of days will be interesting and challenging. But then, being the parent of an addict is always interesting and challenging. That's the nature of the beast. If you're reading this post, please take a moment to say a prayer or think a good thought for my family...especially for my son.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Frustrated
My son was kicked out of his Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) because he didn't go yesterday. He was pretty much on "final probation" after not showing up for three days in a row last week. They told him if he chose not to show up again, he was out. So, it's not like he wasn't warned. But it's a shame, because he still had multiple days left that the insurance company was going to cover. Oh, well.
I'm just so frustrated. As I told a friend in an e-mail yesterday, my wife and I have done everything we can possibly do to help our son. It just seems like he's not interested in doing what he has to do to turn his life around. He seemed to be doing well for the first month or so that he was out in Palm Springs. But now? Not so much. He talks a good game at times. But he doesn't follow through on anything he says he's going to do. I'm so tired of carrying his baggage. I think it's time to just let him go.
By the way, we never heard my son's voice on Thanksgiving. We tried to call him and he didn't answer his phone. He did send my wife a text message at one point that said "Happy Thanksgiving." My wife replied and asked him to call us, but he never did. I guess that was his choice.
I'm just so frustrated. As I told a friend in an e-mail yesterday, my wife and I have done everything we can possibly do to help our son. It just seems like he's not interested in doing what he has to do to turn his life around. He seemed to be doing well for the first month or so that he was out in Palm Springs. But now? Not so much. He talks a good game at times. But he doesn't follow through on anything he says he's going to do. I'm so tired of carrying his baggage. I think it's time to just let him go.
By the way, we never heard my son's voice on Thanksgiving. We tried to call him and he didn't answer his phone. He did send my wife a text message at one point that said "Happy Thanksgiving." My wife replied and asked him to call us, but he never did. I guess that was his choice.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
It's Thanksgiving Day and I will confess to feeling more than a little sad. I feel like there's a big hole in my heart because my son is in California and won't be with us today. Yesterday, while doing some early cooking for today's big meal, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably while cutting and de-seeding acorn squash. Pretty much every time I think of my son lately, I start crying. Go figure.
I hope my son is able to share this day with other people in recovery. The woman who runs his sober living house told us that she has a big Thanksgiving dinner at one of her houses for everyone who is still in town for the holiday. And there is an open house at the IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) facility, too. So there will be places for my son to celebrate Thanksgiving. I just hope he takes advantage of the opportunities.
Today I will cook my ass off and watch some football. Then I will sit down and eat (too much) with my wonderful wife, my younger son, and my family. My oldest sister, who lives in New York, came to town for a surprise visit and will be here for dinner. Joining us will be my parents, my other sister, and my brother. It's been a while since my parents and all my siblings have been in the same spot for Thanksgiving. So I will try my best to enjoy this day.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
I hope my son is able to share this day with other people in recovery. The woman who runs his sober living house told us that she has a big Thanksgiving dinner at one of her houses for everyone who is still in town for the holiday. And there is an open house at the IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) facility, too. So there will be places for my son to celebrate Thanksgiving. I just hope he takes advantage of the opportunities.
Today I will cook my ass off and watch some football. Then I will sit down and eat (too much) with my wonderful wife, my younger son, and my family. My oldest sister, who lives in New York, came to town for a surprise visit and will be here for dinner. Joining us will be my parents, my other sister, and my brother. It's been a while since my parents and all my siblings have been in the same spot for Thanksgiving. So I will try my best to enjoy this day.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
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