I'm not real big on Father's Day. Maybe it's because I don't consider myself to be a very good father. And I'm not at all close to my own father. I always wanted a great relationship with my father. It just never happened. There is a lot of hurt inside of me that was caused by my dad while I was growing up. I'm not sure if it will ever heal. But I've come to accept that.
I suppose I do/have done some things right as a father. But I feel like I've failed more than I've succeeded. That sucks, too, because I always wanted to be the best father in the world. Unfortunately, I think I'll have to settle for mediocrity.
As I type this, my wife and youngest son are up north at my wife's parents' house. And my oldest son is at his three quarter house on the other side of town. But I'm about to leave to go visit my oldest, take him out to lunch, and maybe take him shopping for some new clothes that he needs. I also got up early and baked him a couple dozen cookies. I hope he appreciates them.
So Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Being a parent is the hardest job on this planet. Even when things go smoothly. If things don't go smoothly, it becomes even harder. Trust me. I know. I will continue to do the best that I can, and I hope that as the years go on my boys recognize the fact that I tried my damndest.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Oh, well
My son's job didn't work out.
This is disappointing news, but life goes on. Hopefully another opportunity will present itself soon.
This is disappointing news, but life goes on. Hopefully another opportunity will present itself soon.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Great news!
My son texted my wife a little bit ago to tell us...
HE GOT A JOB!
He'll be working as a dishwasher at a restaurant near the three-quarter house he's living in, Friday and Saturday nights from 5:00pm until close.
This really is incredible news. I called my son to congratulate him and he sounds great. Things are going well. It's such a good feeling. Thank you, higher power. Thank you.
HE GOT A JOB!
He'll be working as a dishwasher at a restaurant near the three-quarter house he's living in, Friday and Saturday nights from 5:00pm until close.
This really is incredible news. I called my son to congratulate him and he sounds great. Things are going well. It's such a good feeling. Thank you, higher power. Thank you.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Update on my son
My wife had to take our son to two medical appointments yesterday, so she headed out to his three-quarter house early in the morning. Between the two appointments and a mother-son shopping trip to Target, my wife ended up being gone pretty much the entire day.
But when she got home, she had good news to report. She said our son seems to be doing much better. He likes his two roommates, he's finally getting settled, and he's growing accustomed to the routine: Getting up early, doing chores, looking for work, going to a mandatory number of meetings, etc.
I was so happy to hear this. After a rough first few days, it seems like things are starting to progress in a positive direction. Hopefully this will continue.
This might sound silly, but unless you've been through something like we've been through, you can't possibly understand how wonderful hearing news like this feels. I will cherish the positivity for now. And pray for more to come.
But when she got home, she had good news to report. She said our son seems to be doing much better. He likes his two roommates, he's finally getting settled, and he's growing accustomed to the routine: Getting up early, doing chores, looking for work, going to a mandatory number of meetings, etc.
I was so happy to hear this. After a rough first few days, it seems like things are starting to progress in a positive direction. Hopefully this will continue.
This might sound silly, but unless you've been through something like we've been through, you can't possibly understand how wonderful hearing news like this feels. I will cherish the positivity for now. And pray for more to come.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A blast from the past
I was missing my son this morning and remembered a song I made up when he was a baby. I used to sing this song to him to help him fall asleep:
I love [son's name] more than candy
More than ice cream
More than pop.
I love [son's name] more than anything
More than anything anyone's got.
It's been one week since he moved into the three-quarter house. I really hope that the whole experience will end up being a good thing.
I love [son's name] more than candy
More than ice cream
More than pop.
I love [son's name] more than anything
More than anything anyone's got.
It's been one week since he moved into the three-quarter house. I really hope that the whole experience will end up being a good thing.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
1,000 days sober
It seems like only yesterday, but it was 1,001 days ago that I had my last drink. September 9, 2008. Four days after my son entered rehab for heroin addiction. And the day after my 47th birthday.
I don't remember what my last drink was. Probably a glass of white wine, which I was drinking pretty heavily at the time to try and help me "cope" with the fact that my then-18-year-old son was a heroin addict in a residential rehab facility.
I've told the story many times. During a family therapy session at Brighton Hospital, the therapist told me and my wife: "Be the change you want to see in your son." She said it was crazy for us to tell our son not to self-medicate with heroin or marijuana or pills, while at the same time we were drinking alcohol. Even if we were just drinking socially--and I confess, at the time I was probably a borderline alcoholic--it was still self-medication.
That made perfect sense to me. It seemed like quitting drinking was the least I could do to help my son, and it would also set a good example for my youngest son, who was 12 at the time. So on September 10, 2008, I began my sobriety.
It's kind of ironic that I'm celebrating 1,000 days sober while my son's living in a three-quarter house his addiction doctor made him move into because he tested positive for pot. Sometimes I wonder how much influence my sobriety actually has on my son. It's hard to say if it's had any effect at all. But I feel better since I quit drinking, and I definitely think having parents who don't drink is a big plus for my youngest son. So, 2.75 years later, I am committed to staying sober.
I don't remember what my last drink was. Probably a glass of white wine, which I was drinking pretty heavily at the time to try and help me "cope" with the fact that my then-18-year-old son was a heroin addict in a residential rehab facility.
I've told the story many times. During a family therapy session at Brighton Hospital, the therapist told me and my wife: "Be the change you want to see in your son." She said it was crazy for us to tell our son not to self-medicate with heroin or marijuana or pills, while at the same time we were drinking alcohol. Even if we were just drinking socially--and I confess, at the time I was probably a borderline alcoholic--it was still self-medication.
That made perfect sense to me. It seemed like quitting drinking was the least I could do to help my son, and it would also set a good example for my youngest son, who was 12 at the time. So on September 10, 2008, I began my sobriety.
It's kind of ironic that I'm celebrating 1,000 days sober while my son's living in a three-quarter house his addiction doctor made him move into because he tested positive for pot. Sometimes I wonder how much influence my sobriety actually has on my son. It's hard to say if it's had any effect at all. But I feel better since I quit drinking, and I definitely think having parents who don't drink is a big plus for my youngest son. So, 2.75 years later, I am committed to staying sober.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
What the hell am I doing?
I didn't sleep very well last night. All the events of yesterday have me doubting myself yet again. Did I do the right thing? Did I screw up? Will the three-quarter house (eventually) work? Is it going to have a negative effect on my son? Is there a better place I should've sent him? What the hell am I doing?
Aside from the actual addiction, the hardest thing to live with when your child is an addict is the constant self-doubt. Wondering if there's something you did to contribute to the problem; or if there's something you should be doing to help fix the problem. Both of those things are horrible things to carry around with you. Especially the latter. Because when it comes right down to it, the only person who can fix the problem is the addict. As loved ones we can only try our best to help guide the addict in the right direction. But unless they truly want to change their life, it won't happen.
I think my wife and I have done almost all we can to help our son. Our son has to want to help himself. And I don't know if he does. I really don't. And that makes me so incredibly sad.
Aside from the actual addiction, the hardest thing to live with when your child is an addict is the constant self-doubt. Wondering if there's something you did to contribute to the problem; or if there's something you should be doing to help fix the problem. Both of those things are horrible things to carry around with you. Especially the latter. Because when it comes right down to it, the only person who can fix the problem is the addict. As loved ones we can only try our best to help guide the addict in the right direction. But unless they truly want to change their life, it won't happen.
I think my wife and I have done almost all we can to help our son. Our son has to want to help himself. And I don't know if he does. I really don't. And that makes me so incredibly sad.
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