"I know a sickness ancient and cross
No crucifix could ever fix enough
But in the basement of a church, these people they talk
There is a line that must be walked
If you want to make it stop
Then stop."
--From the song "Stop" by Ryan Adams
That song lyric, from my favorite male singer-songwriter, is very appropriate tonight. Because tonight my wife and I joined my son in the basement of a church for an open Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Just before I started cooking dinner tonight, my son came into the kitchen and said to me, "There's an open AA meeting tonight at 8:30 if you and mom want to come with me." It caught me kind of off guard, but I was very happy to get the invitation.
The meeting was only about 35 minutes long, but it gave my wife and I the opportunity to join our son in a part of his life that is usually only his. We met a few of his group's members and listened to the featured speaker, a woman who is a recovering Vicodin addict. We also had people tell us what a nice son we have and how serious he is about the program. That was nice to hear. But the most memorable thing I heard tonight was the reading from the AA book Twenty-Four Hours a Day:
"AA tells us to forget about the future and take it one day at a time. All we really have is now. We have no past time and no future tie. As the saying goes: 'Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy.' All we have is the present. The past is gone forever and the future never comes. When tomorrow gets here, it will be today. Am I living one day at a time? "
One day at a time. Word.
Thanks, son.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Please don't drink and drive
I am grieving today. I am grieving for four teenagers I didn't even know. Four kids. One 19-year-old, one 15-year-old, and two 16-year-olds. Devon, Erica, Jordan, and Stephanie. All students at Lake Shore High School in St. Clair Shores, Michigan. Out together on Monday night, heading to Pizza Hut to get a pizza. Stopped at a red light. And in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Little did these four kids know that there was a 47-year-old woman--her blood-alcohol level nearly three times the legal limit--at the wheel of a full-size van, speeding down Gratiot Avenue, coming up behind them. Moments later, she plowed into the back of the car these unsuspecting kids were riding in. Now all four kids are dead and the woman who killed them is facing four counts of murder.
When I watched the story on the news last night, I cried. I cried because I can't imagine the grief the families of these four kids are going through. One of the moms said she was worried because her son said he was going to get a pizza and she hadn't heard from him in awhile. So she called the Pizza Hut and the worker there said, "Which way on Gratiot were they going, because there was a really bad accident." I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that conversation.
I also cried because I can't imagine the grief the family of the driver who snuffed out these four young lives is going through either. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic who had more DUIs than I could even count. On more than one occasion, he hit parked cars and all I can remember is thanking God that the cars were parked and empty. As a kid, riding in the car with my dad while he was intoxicated was a regular occurrence. I will never forget how scared I was, wondering if I was going to make it home alive, but too terrified to speak up about it. The last time my dad was arrested for driving drunk was about 20 years ago. He called me to bail him out of jail. I did it, reluctantly, but I remember it feeling like a slap in the face after all the years I had suffered as the child of an alcoholic father, and all the times I had confronted my dad about his problem.
I hope the families of these four kids, and the community in general, don't take their anger out on the family of the driver whose incredibly stupid decision led to this tragedy. I can tell you first-hand that this event is as big a nightmare for the driver's family as it is for the teenagers' families. I know what it's like to be the child of an alcoholic who drives drunk. Every day you pray to God that they will make it home safely without hurting anyone. I always worried more about innocent strangers than I did about my dad. I figured if my dad drove drunk and hurt or killed himself, then that's him suffering the consequences for his actions. But if my dad drove drunk and hurt or killed someone else...well, that would be something altogether different.
Take it from me: this horrible tragedy is a nightmare come true for the family of the driver of that van. This is what they've feared might happen for a long time. I know. I've been there. And despite what people may think, if you have a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict, you cannot "fix" them, no matter how hard you try or how hard you want to. The "Three C's" of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon tell it like it is: "We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it."
My hearts go out to everyone who is affected by this tragedy. There is one lesson to be learned from all of this, and it's so simple that it's almost ridiculous: DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. If you've been drinking, take a cab, or the bus, or the subway. Or walk. Or call a friend or relative. Or, if all else fails, just sleep in your car until you sober up. But please don't drink and drive.
If you want to read more about this terrible accident, you can do so in this story from The Detroit News.
And the victims of this crash are remembered in this article from The Detroit News.
If by chance you would like to donate to a fund set up for the families of the four victims, here is how you can do so.
Lake Shore school district has set up a fund for anyone wishing to donate to the families. Checks may be made payable to:
Lake Shore Public Schools Memorial Fund
28850 Harper Ave.
St. Clair Shores, MI 48081
Attention: Business Office
To my knowledge, there is no way to make a donation electronically, at least at this point. I've e-mailed the school district to see if there is something like that in the works and will post that info if it becomes available. I am, however, willing to collect money electronically via PayPal if anyone wants to donate that way. I will take your money and add it to the check that I send to the fund. Leave a comment with your e-mail address if you are interested in doing that and I will contact you.
If nothing else, please say a prayer to your higher power tonight for everyone affected by this event. A lot of lives will never, ever be the same.
Peace.
Little did these four kids know that there was a 47-year-old woman--her blood-alcohol level nearly three times the legal limit--at the wheel of a full-size van, speeding down Gratiot Avenue, coming up behind them. Moments later, she plowed into the back of the car these unsuspecting kids were riding in. Now all four kids are dead and the woman who killed them is facing four counts of murder.
When I watched the story on the news last night, I cried. I cried because I can't imagine the grief the families of these four kids are going through. One of the moms said she was worried because her son said he was going to get a pizza and she hadn't heard from him in awhile. So she called the Pizza Hut and the worker there said, "Which way on Gratiot were they going, because there was a really bad accident." I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that conversation.
I also cried because I can't imagine the grief the family of the driver who snuffed out these four young lives is going through either. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic who had more DUIs than I could even count. On more than one occasion, he hit parked cars and all I can remember is thanking God that the cars were parked and empty. As a kid, riding in the car with my dad while he was intoxicated was a regular occurrence. I will never forget how scared I was, wondering if I was going to make it home alive, but too terrified to speak up about it. The last time my dad was arrested for driving drunk was about 20 years ago. He called me to bail him out of jail. I did it, reluctantly, but I remember it feeling like a slap in the face after all the years I had suffered as the child of an alcoholic father, and all the times I had confronted my dad about his problem.
I hope the families of these four kids, and the community in general, don't take their anger out on the family of the driver whose incredibly stupid decision led to this tragedy. I can tell you first-hand that this event is as big a nightmare for the driver's family as it is for the teenagers' families. I know what it's like to be the child of an alcoholic who drives drunk. Every day you pray to God that they will make it home safely without hurting anyone. I always worried more about innocent strangers than I did about my dad. I figured if my dad drove drunk and hurt or killed himself, then that's him suffering the consequences for his actions. But if my dad drove drunk and hurt or killed someone else...well, that would be something altogether different.
Take it from me: this horrible tragedy is a nightmare come true for the family of the driver of that van. This is what they've feared might happen for a long time. I know. I've been there. And despite what people may think, if you have a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict, you cannot "fix" them, no matter how hard you try or how hard you want to. The "Three C's" of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon tell it like it is: "We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it."
My hearts go out to everyone who is affected by this tragedy. There is one lesson to be learned from all of this, and it's so simple that it's almost ridiculous: DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. If you've been drinking, take a cab, or the bus, or the subway. Or walk. Or call a friend or relative. Or, if all else fails, just sleep in your car until you sober up. But please don't drink and drive.
If you want to read more about this terrible accident, you can do so in this story from The Detroit News.
And the victims of this crash are remembered in this article from The Detroit News.
If by chance you would like to donate to a fund set up for the families of the four victims, here is how you can do so.
Lake Shore school district has set up a fund for anyone wishing to donate to the families. Checks may be made payable to:
Lake Shore Public Schools Memorial Fund
28850 Harper Ave.
St. Clair Shores, MI 48081
Attention: Business Office
To my knowledge, there is no way to make a donation electronically, at least at this point. I've e-mailed the school district to see if there is something like that in the works and will post that info if it becomes available. I am, however, willing to collect money electronically via PayPal if anyone wants to donate that way. I will take your money and add it to the check that I send to the fund. Leave a comment with your e-mail address if you are interested in doing that and I will contact you.
If nothing else, please say a prayer to your higher power tonight for everyone affected by this event. A lot of lives will never, ever be the same.
Peace.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A very proud moment...and a bit of sadness
Today is Thursday, and that means my son's only class of the day was his Music Appreciation class, which meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is the class with the dreaded 9:00am start. The class that my son has struggled to make it to on time and has missed a number of times. When you're a recovering addict who suffers from depression, getting up and getting to a class before 9:00 in the morning is not a very easy thing to do. But I give my son lots of credit for sticking with it.
The first test in this class happened a few weeks ago. My son had missed at least three classes before the test and was definitely out of touch with what was going on. As a result, he got an F on the test. That was a huge disappointment. But to his credit, he stayed after class the next time it met to talk to the instructor. He explained his situation and told the instructor he wanted to get back on track. Happily, the instructor was very supportive.
Well, fast-forward to today, a few weeks after that dreaded F. I got home from work and my son brought me his latest test from the Music Appreciation class. The grade this time? B+. And across the top of the test the instructor wrote, "Tremendous improvement!" It was such a joy to see my son excited over a test grade. I'm really proud of him. It's something I can't even put into words. I love my son so much.
That was definitely the highlight of my day. A few hours later, though, came a bit of sadness. I got a phone call from a friend of mine. This friend had a serious crack cocaine problem for a number of years. He was living in his car, committing crimes to support his habit, and lost his wife and kids. But he worked real hard to change his life and finally did so. He found God. He got clean. He got a job. He reconnected with his kids. He bought a house. He got engaged. Then several months ago, his fiancee broke up with him. This sent my friend back into the dreadful world of drugs. He disappeared. He lost his job. He went back to rehab. Then he disappeared again.
When I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end, I was worried, because he sounded desperate and in a hurry. When he told me that he had a "huge favor" to ask of me, I was even more worried. Then he asked me if he could "borrow thirty bucks for a couple of weeks." That was the kicker. There's only one thing he could've wanted that $30.00 for. So I had to say no.
But, did I mention? My kid got a B+ on his Music Appreciation test. How freakin' cool is that?
The first test in this class happened a few weeks ago. My son had missed at least three classes before the test and was definitely out of touch with what was going on. As a result, he got an F on the test. That was a huge disappointment. But to his credit, he stayed after class the next time it met to talk to the instructor. He explained his situation and told the instructor he wanted to get back on track. Happily, the instructor was very supportive.
Well, fast-forward to today, a few weeks after that dreaded F. I got home from work and my son brought me his latest test from the Music Appreciation class. The grade this time? B+. And across the top of the test the instructor wrote, "Tremendous improvement!" It was such a joy to see my son excited over a test grade. I'm really proud of him. It's something I can't even put into words. I love my son so much.
That was definitely the highlight of my day. A few hours later, though, came a bit of sadness. I got a phone call from a friend of mine. This friend had a serious crack cocaine problem for a number of years. He was living in his car, committing crimes to support his habit, and lost his wife and kids. But he worked real hard to change his life and finally did so. He found God. He got clean. He got a job. He reconnected with his kids. He bought a house. He got engaged. Then several months ago, his fiancee broke up with him. This sent my friend back into the dreadful world of drugs. He disappeared. He lost his job. He went back to rehab. Then he disappeared again.
When I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end, I was worried, because he sounded desperate and in a hurry. When he told me that he had a "huge favor" to ask of me, I was even more worried. Then he asked me if he could "borrow thirty bucks for a couple of weeks." That was the kicker. There's only one thing he could've wanted that $30.00 for. So I had to say no.
But, did I mention? My kid got a B+ on his Music Appreciation test. How freakin' cool is that?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
58 days
My son is 58 days clean today. For that, I am thankful.
Are things perfect? No. Far from it. But things are certainly much better than they have been in the not-too-distant past.
Fifty-eight days. Just a little over 8 weeks. That's certainly not a very long time in the grand scheme of things. But when your son is battling addiction and has stayed clean for that long, 58 days is a pretty impressive span of time.
Keep it up, son. We're all very proud of you and are behind you 100 percent.
Are things perfect? No. Far from it. But things are certainly much better than they have been in the not-too-distant past.
Fifty-eight days. Just a little over 8 weeks. That's certainly not a very long time in the grand scheme of things. But when your son is battling addiction and has stayed clean for that long, 58 days is a pretty impressive span of time.
Keep it up, son. We're all very proud of you and are behind you 100 percent.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Finally!!!
Just a quick post to say that the check from Brighton Hospital arrived in yesterday's mail. This is the money my insurance company (finally) paid to the hospital for my son's last rehab stay, and in turn was refunded to me. I've been fighting for this money since September. Even after I was told I was going to be getting it, I said I wouldn't believe it until I had the check in my hands. Now I have the check in my hands: $6,880.02. Hallelujah.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
My new fear
I've been struggling quite a bit lately with the fear of dying. This is new for me, because up until a few months ago I had never really been scared of my own death. It's also kind of strange because this new fear I've developed doesn't have anything to do with what will actually happen to me when I die. Instead, the fear is all about what will happen to my kids when I die.
I think about this a lot lately. I know that it's needless worry. After all, when I die my kids will have to figure out a way to get along without me. Right? But with my oldest son's issues of the past few years, I can't help but think about how he will get along "on his own."
Crazy thoughts. Being the parent of an addict will fill your head with them. The challenge is trying to figure out how to keep them from totally consuming you.
I think about this a lot lately. I know that it's needless worry. After all, when I die my kids will have to figure out a way to get along without me. Right? But with my oldest son's issues of the past few years, I can't help but think about how he will get along "on his own."
Crazy thoughts. Being the parent of an addict will fill your head with them. The challenge is trying to figure out how to keep them from totally consuming you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It's official: $6,880.02
I talked to the woman at Brighton Hospital today. Of the $9,300.00 I actually paid out of pocket for my son's two-week rehab stint, I am going to be refunded $6,880.02. (I thought I had paid more out of pocket than I actually had, because the Blue Cross web site listed the total claim amount as just over $12,000.00. But that's what the hospital billed Blue Cross per their contract; not what I had paid out of pocket.)
I can't tell you how happy this makes me. For the last four months or so, I thought I was out that money for good. It just goes to show you: Don't ever take "That's not covered" as a final answer from your insurance company. Yes, it was a bit of a hassle to fight this claim via e-mails and telephone calls, but I ended up getting 74 percent of my money back. And in these tough financial times, that's huge.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me. For the last four months or so, I thought I was out that money for good. It just goes to show you: Don't ever take "That's not covered" as a final answer from your insurance company. Yes, it was a bit of a hassle to fight this claim via e-mails and telephone calls, but I ended up getting 74 percent of my money back. And in these tough financial times, that's huge.
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